


Changes

by AOBZ



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff after angsty beginning!, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-06-05 16:50:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6713092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AOBZ/pseuds/AOBZ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex got up and shrugged off Olivia’s attempt to stop her. There was a time when Alex would have stopped, would have allowed Olivia to comfort and console her, would have allowed her to fix things between them. But that time had come and gone. Too much had happened between them. Too many lonely nights, too much disappointment. Too many forgotten dates. </p><p>Alex wasn’t sure what she wanted anymore, but it sure as hell wasn’t this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Alex took a seat at the table, tears flowing down her face. She ignored them, refusing to even swipe them away as she grabbed her fork and took a small bite of the meal she had spent hours preparing. She had made everything from scratch: pierogies, a baked ham, lima beans, and lemonade. Olivia's favourite foods, because she had assured her that she'd be home for supper tonight. Alex had looked forward to seeing her. But she had forgotten, and Alex was determined to at least pretend to enjoy the meal she had worked so hard on.

It had been weeks since they had really seen each other. Olivia had been working overtime and Alex had had quite a few demanding cases. But they agreed that tonight they would make an effort to see one another because it had just been way too long since they had spent any time together. Sure, they had seen each other in passing. How could you not when you lived in the same apartment? But as far as actually spending time together went, well… they had slowly become one of those couples who just drifted apart without even realising it had happened. Now, Alex was lucky to get an exchange of more than three sentences with her girlfriend.

When they first got together, Alex had been afraid that this would happen, that their jobs would get the better of their relationship. They had such high stress, demanding positions that it was almost inevitable that they would drift apart. But they were so in love, so sure it would work. Even with all the over time she was pulling in the first few years of their relationship, Olivia still came home nearly every evening for supper. Sometimes supper was at 10pm, but it was still a reasonable enough hour that Alex could wait up for her. Now, seven years in, it had gotten to the point that Alex just stopped making supper altogether. Olivia was rarely home, so there was no point. Alex ate alone, eating something simple like cereal or toast, if she bothered to eat at all.

But tonight. Tonight was supposed to be different. They were supposed to eat together, slowly, and catch up. God. Alex had been so excited when she brought it up earlier that week. A date night. They hadn’t had one in so long, she genuinely couldn’t remember when the last time had been. And she missed Olivia terribly. They rarely had breakfast together anymore and it had been almost a year now that Alex had been taking the subway to work instead of being driven in by her girlfriend.

God, she missed Olivia. She missed their relationship. They never went to bed at the same time anymore and when Olivia finally did get home, she would collapse in bed next to Alex. Their bed had become a “your side/my side” territory, with no crossing in between. It had never been like that before. But they did have stolen moments, on occasion, and tonight was supposed to be an entire evening of stolen moments.

Alex shook her head and brought her plate to the garbage. She couldn’t eat; she felt sick to her stomach. So she threw everything out, plate included. She grabbed the pans and did the same, a fresh wave of tears tracing new lines down her cheeks as she looked down at her hard work, all for nothing. She felt overwhelming hurt, sadness, and worst of all: disappointment. Olivia had once been her rock, her comfort, her safe place. She had been the only steady thing in her life, the one person on whom she could depend. And now? Now she couldn’t even depend on her to come home for supper like she promised she would.

Enough was enough. She couldn’t do this anymore. She couldn’t survive on the occasional kiss and fleeting text message. Alex needed more, and she had thought that Olivia understood earlier this week when she said that she missed her and wanted to share an evening with her. She thought her girlfriend understood that she needed to reconnect, that she needed her, but apparently not.

So she sat at the table and waited. And waited, and waited. She waited until the sun went down. She waited until she heard her neighbours come home from their weekly Friday night dinner. She waited until she heard the neighbours upstairs do their nightly river dancing routine, indicating that they were headed to bed. (She wasn’t sure what the hell they did, but my God they made a lot of noise). She waited until she could feel her body tingle, urging her to go to sleep. She waited until the clock on the stove changed from PM to AM. She waited until she finally heard the click of a key turning in the door.

She finally looked up, watching as Olivia snuck into the apartment, no doubt expecting her to be asleep. She saw the surprise on her girlfriend’s face as she made eye contact. Olivia walked closer, entering the kitchen with a small frown. Alex pushed down the emotions stirring inside. She had to have this discussion, there was no way around it. They had to have this talk. There was no more delaying it. They needed to talk because she couldn’t do this anymore.

“Alex? What are you doing awake?”

“Do you remember what day it is?” she asked, ignoring the question.

Olivia, exhaustion radiating from every pore, looked around the kitchen, desperate for some kind of clue. She fought as her body screamed at her to sleep, knowing she had to be up in a mere four hours. But she could tell something was wrong. She felt the tension in the air. And she knew that tone. That tone meant nothing good was coming.

So she looked around. The kitchen looked as clean as it always did. They rarely cooked in here anymore. She scanned the counters, the fridge, noting nothing out of the ordinary until she noticed the lid of the garbage can propped up by something underneath. She blinked away her sleepiness and forced herself to focus. It looked like… plastic? Black plastic? A handle or-

 _Oh no_.

It was a frying pan.

_The dinner._

“Oh fuck, Alex, I’m so-”

“Save it, Olivia.”

She wasn’t angry, and that was what scared Olivia. She should be angry, but she wasn’t. She just looked… sad.

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t… I can’t live like this anymore, Olivia.”

“What?”

Olivia took a step closer, all thoughts of sleep suddenly gone.

“I can’t do this anymore,” she repeated.

That wasn’t good. That was so definitely not good.

“What are you saying?” Olivia’s heart was pounding in her chest. She was terrified. She couldn’t be saying what she thought she was saying.

Alex was quiet for a long moment, clearly working something in her mind. Olivia knew that look. She was deep in thought, and that scared her. She watched Alex’s brows furrow, her lips form a firm, thin line. She finally seemed to work out what she needed to say and spoke.

“I’m not happy. I haven’t been happy…for a long time.”

“Alex-”

“When was the last time we had supper together?”

“I…” Olivia couldn’t answer, because she just didn’t know. “I know it’s been a while-”

“Our anniversary, Olivia. The last time you and I sat down for supper together was on our anniversary,” she let out a wet laugh, the tears starting up again. “We haven’t had a dinner together in seven months. And the last time we tried to have breakfast together you left halfway through because Elliot called you. Every time I suggest an evening in, you have to cancel because you stayed at work or, like tonight, you just “forget”. This isn’t the first time you do this to me, and I can’t do this anymore.

We haven’t seen each other in months. Not really anyway. You come in at all hours of the night and pass out next to me when you’re finally here. You’re asleep when I wake up for work. We haven’t touched each other in … God. I don’t even know how long. And I’m not even talking about sex, either. I’m talking about a damn hug. You haven’t hugged me in months,” at this, Alex’s voice broke and the flood of tears restarted. She was so hurt, _so hurt._ “I tried to tell you that I missed you, that I missed us and Christ I thought you understood. I thought you got it because you told me you missed me too. And you promised, Olivia. You _promised_ me that you’d be home. That we’d get together and have an evening. That you’d pretend like you had some kind of interest in my life. But you don’t. You have other priorities, that are evidently above me because you couldn’t even come home to have dinner with me. What’s worse, you didn’t even text me to let me down. You just didn’t even show.

I feel like I don’t know you anymore. You never would have done this to me before, but we’ve gotten to this place where you’re just too comfortable with me I guess. But we aren’t in a relationship. Not anymore. And we haven’t been for such a long time. I feel like I’m living with a stranger. I have no idea what’s going on in your life anymore because all you do is work. You don’t know what’s going on in my life either because we don’t talk. You don’t know me and frankly, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being lonely. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of missing you and wishing you were home. I just can’t do this anymore, Olivia. If I’m going to live my life like I’m single, I might as well actually be single and save myself the pain of knowing that I love someone who just doesn’t have time for me anymore.”

Alex got up and shrugged off Olivia’s attempt to stop her. There was a time when Alex would have stopped, would have allowed Olivia to comfort and console her, would have allowed her to fix things between them. But that time had come and gone. Too much had happened between them. Too many lonely nights, too much disappointment. Too many forgotten dates.

Alex wasn’t sure what she wanted anymore, but it sure as hell wasn’t this.  

 


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia didn’t sleep. She had been running on coffee and doughnuts for nearly thirty hours, but she couldn’t sleep. She sat at the table long after Alex had gone to their bedroom. She simply stared at the wall, finally breaking down into tears as she went over everything Alex had said.

Alex hadn’t been lying. She was right. They hadn’t had any significant alone time in over half a year. Really, they had barely spent any time together. And it was mostly Olivia’s fault. She was a workaholic and she never said no when Cap asked her to stay after hours. She didn’t have to, there was absolutely no obligation, but she did it because she loved her job and because there was always something else that needed her attention. So she stayed. She stayed so much that what used to be considered her overtime were now her regular hours. She ate, breathed, and slept her job. And it seemed normal, that was her life. She came home in the a.m. hours and she left before the 7 a.m. news came on the radio. Sometimes she didn’t come home at all. It had happened so gradually over the years, and it had become so routine to work such long hours that she hadn’t even noticed how bad it had gotten.

Olivia didn’t mind, not really. She was used to working 24/7 because she had done it most of her life. But she had missed one very important detail: she was no longer single. She had a girlfriend at home who she had been horribly neglecting, and the guilt cut her like a knife. She had completely abandoned the woman she loved. How had let she it get this bad? Because Olivia missed her too. Of course she did. She thought about her all the damn time.

When they passed Alex’s favourite coffee shop, or there was someone wearing a beige jacket just like Alex’s, or she saw a head of long, blonde hair, she thought of Alex. She thought of her when she put on her leather coat (a gift from her girlfriend), and she thought of her every night on her way home. It just seemed like she was with Alex all the time because she was constantly thinking about her. 

Alex was the reason she even came home at night. When she was single, she’d just crash in the crib and start her day when she woke up. She never bothered coming home. But now, she did because she had the best thing in the entire world waiting for her: her best friend. Alex, the woman who soothed her worries, cared for her when she was sick, hid Olivia’s favourite cookies in her jacket pockets, put love notes in her desk at work when she wasn’t looking, who did countless things to make Olivia feel special. Alex brought joy and laughter in her life and made her once lonely apartment finally feel like a home. Of course she missed her. She thought sometimes that they weren’t spending enough time together, but then there was a report to be written or a phone call to be taken or a perp to be caught or a child to comfort or an interview to be conducted. There was just always _something_ that called her attention. She truly hadn’t realised how bad things had gotten. Not until now, when she sat and _really_ thought about it.

God, how had it gotten to this point? Olivia loved Alex with everything that she had, with everything that she was. That had never changed. When had she gotten so bad at showing it? Christ, when was the last time she had even told her that she loved her? She felt disgusted with herself because she couldn’t even remember the last time she had said “I love you”. She said it over text all the time, but when was the last time she had actually said it to her face? No wonder Alex felt abandoned.

Olivia bit her bottom lip in an attempt to fight from crying again. The look on Alex’s face tonight, the look in her eyes. It haunted Olivia. She had been the cause of that. She had caused the hurt, the pain, the sheer disappointment Alex felt. She had promised Alex that she would never feel alone again, and Christ… she had failed her terribly.   

Olivia got up and paced from the kitchen to the living room and then back again. She was angry with herself. When had her job become more important than her lover? How had she allowed it to take over her life? Yes, she loved her work and she could never regret helping the people that she did, but God damn she regretting how it hurt Alex that she spent so much time away from home. No amount of satisfaction she got from catching any of their perps was worth the look on Alex’s face tonight. How had it gotten to that point? Alex was one hundred times more important than any of her cases and she should never be made to feel otherwise.

Olivia shook her head. Things needed to change. They were going to change and she would not let this ever happen again. Alex deserved to be worshipped, to be treated like the absolutely incredible human being that she was. She deserved to know how special, how loved, how treasured she truly was. She needed to know that nothing was more important than she was. Olivia genuinely felt that nothing came above Alex, but she clearly had done a horrific job of showing it because she had been putting her job first for months on end. She had been grossly negligent in their relationship, but not anymore. Now that she knew what she had done, she was going to fix it.

As it turned out, Olivia stayed up all night, working through the thoughts that rolled through her mind. She devised a plan; she was on a mission now. She was going to remind Alex of just how important she was, so Olivia thought back to when they first started dating, drawing on all the little things she used to do that Alex loved.

She pulled out a pen and paper and began writing. But the more she wrote, the worse she felt. She now saw in black and white just how much she had neglected Alex. She hadn’t done some of these things in years. No wonder Alex wasn’t happy. How could she be? Olivia hadn’t shown her how special she was in a shameful amount of time.

Rather than get herself down, Olivia reminded herself that things were going to be different now. She was going to make Alex happy again, and she would never allow this to happen again. So she made her list, and the very first thing on it was to cut back to her regular hours at work. That was the first thing that desperately needed to change. By six a.m., she had finished her list, her plan was set, and she felt cautiously optimistic. There was just one thing that made her worry. Would Alex even want to try again or was it too late?

Olivia got up from the table when she heard Alex get into the shower, her joints cracking in protest from sitting for so long.  She made her way to the coffee machine and made a fresh pot, waiting until she heard the bathroom door open before pouring two cups. She put them on the table, sat down, and waited. Alex walked into the room a minute later, and Olivia’s heart ached with how beautiful she was. When was the last time she had greeted her in the morning like this? She wasn’t wearing make-up and the sight made Olivia think of just how vulnerable this devastatingly beautiful woman was. Alex was fierce, she was a survivor. She was strong and she could overcome anything. But she was also just _Alex_ , the woman who craved affection and safety, whose trust was so difficult to earn, who had been so disappointed by the woman who promised to love her every single day.

“You’re still here. When you didn’t come to bed…”

The surprise (laced with sadness) in Alex’s voice was a little disheartening. Had she lost so much faith in Olivia that she really thought she’d leave after such an important confession?

“I’m still here,” Olivia confirmed, as Alex reached for the mug of coffee and took a seat at the other end of the table. “You brought up some really important problems in our relationship, Alex. Specifically about me and my behaviour. And ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t even cover it. In fact, I think it would be insulting at this point to even try to apologise. I’ve been so blind and so foolish. I’ve been ignoring you for so long and the worst part is, I have no excuse. 

I didn’t join you in bed because I just had too much to think about. What I’ve done to you, to us… I don’t even have words. I want you to know that I listened and that I know I’ve let you down. Worse even. I made you feel like you didn’t matter, like you were second best. For far too long I’ve let you believe you aren’t the most important thing in my life and that is so sick and so wrong. It’s completely backwards because you are the _only_ thing that matters to me, Alex. The only thing. You are the most important person in my entire life and I have been disgustingly negligent in showing you that.

Our relationship needs to change and I want you to know, it will. It changes today. I know I can’t undo what I’ve done, but I can change how thing will be between us from now on. Because I never wanted this for us. I never pictured this for us and I’m sure you didn’t either. You aren’t happy and that is so far from okay it’s not even funny. I can’t believe things have gotten this bad.

But it changes today, okay? I’ve spent the whole night thinking, making lists of what I need to change and things I need to start doing again with you. I want to improve us and I want to show you just how much you mean to me, Alex. I love you with everything that I am and I want you to feel it, know it. I see now how horribly I have been neglecting you, and I wish I had something better to say than I’m so fucking sorry. I want to do better by you and I want to fix us. I just need to know… do you want that too?”

_Please don’t tell me it’s too late. Please._

Alex looked down at her coffee, too many emotions overwhelming her to really pinpoint exactly how she felt. She didn’t know what to say or what to think. She took a few minutes to respond, and when she did, Olivia’s stomach sank.

“I don’t know.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

For the first time in a long time, Olivia left home after Alex. She had offered her a ride into work, just as she used to do, but Alex said she needed some time. So Olivia watched her leave the apartment before finally getting ready herself for work.

She arrived to work later than she had in a long time. Normally, she was nearly two hours early, running on coffee and refined sugar. But today, she arrived right on time, eerily calm and not very talkative. She had a plan, and the first thing she needed to do was speak to Captain Cragen. 

“I beat you to work for once, Liv.”

She smiled at Elliot, but she bypassed their desks and headed straight to the Captain’s office. She closed the door behind her, looking him right in the eye as she spoke.

“I can’t do anymore overtime.”

“Good morning to you, detective.”

She gave a nervous laugh, the adrenaline coursing through her veins. She was running on fear and anxiety, desperate to fix what she could to get Alex to stay.

“Sorry. It’s been a long night. Alex and I-” she cleared her throat but didn’t continue. She didn’t know what to say.

Cragen knew his people. Taken out of context, those few sentences might imply something more carnal had occurred between the two to keep Olivia up all night, but he could tell just by looking at her, that something serious had happened. It was written all over her face.

“Sit down, Olivia. What happened?”

“It… I don’t know. I don’t know how we got to this place. I walked in last night and she was still up and she just, she said all these things about us and now she has no idea if she wants to continue our relationship.”

Olivia was controlled. She kept her feelings in check and she rarely showed emotion. But with the Captain, he was so much like a father that the mask started to melt away to show her fear and uncertainty. He was safe and she was scared, terrified of what would happen if she lost Alex.

“What did she say specifically?”

“Basically that I’ve been ignoring her and our relationship. And she’s right; I have been. I’ve been working so much that I’ve been neglecting her. She told me this morning that she isn’t sure what she wants anymore. And after everything she said last night, about everything I’ve done and how I’ve abandoned her… I can’t really blame her.”

Olivia trembled, biting her lower lip and looking away. The tears spilled over as the words rushed out of her mouth. Alex was her whole life. She loved her job, adored it, but the way she felt about Alex didn’t even compare.  

“You’re going to fight for her,” he stated.

“Of course I am. I’m not letting her go without a fight. So I need to change. Things need to change. So I can’t do overtime anymore and I’ll be working my regular hours from now on. I let this job consume me and… I lost sight of the most important person in my life. I can’t do that again.”

He nodded at her.

“You’re one of my best, Olivia, and whatever you need, we will support you.”

“Thank you, Cap.”

She got up and made her way to the door, pausing when he continued.

“And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry for not seeing it too. I had a wife once, and I know how wrapped up we get in this place. It’ll take over your life if you let it.”

“I’m not going to let it. Not anymore,” Olivia said firmly.

She made her way to her desk, plopping down and immediately picking up the phone. She dialed Janet, Alex’s assistant, and asked her to fax over Alex’s schedule for the next two weeks. If she was going to change things, she first needed to know where Alex would be and when. She then got up and went to the photocopier, feeling the slightest bit more confident as she started to act out her plan to change.

“Why are you staring at that paper like it holds the answers to all of life’s questions?”

She looked up and smirked at Elliot, holding Alex’s freshly faxed schedule.

“Because it does.”

“What is it?”

“Alex’s work schedule.”

He shot her a confused look, so she sighed, setting the paper down.

“Coffee?”

She explained everything to him when they got into their car, and he said nearly the same thing as the Captain: whatever you need, I’m here. She warmed at his words, feeling incredibly grateful for the work family she had. They were also part of the reason she spent so much time at the precinct. They really were her family, so it was easy to forget that she was at work. Being at there was a little like being at home.

They drove around after Olivia explained to him what she planned on doing. Alex hadn’t said no, hadn’t said she didn’t want to continue their relationship, so there was still hope. She had to believe there was still hope. So they drove to Alex’s favourite patisserie to get the first item on Olivia’s list: a red velvet cupcake.

They had warrants to serve this morning, so they took the long way to one of their destinations to covertly drop the cupcake on Alex’s desk. She was in court this morning (which was why Olivia wanted the schedule in the first place), so she’d never know who came by.

Back when they were first dating, Olivia would drop off all sorts of treats to Alex. She never left a note, telling her the sugar fairy must have dropped by when Alex inquired about the dessert on her desk. It never failed to make the blonde smile and she hoped it would again. It had been so long, she hoped Alex would even remember. She placed the cupcake right in the middle of her desk before strolling out of the office, only to be stopped by Janet.

“You dropped off that cupcake for her.”

“I did.”

“Is it to make up for whatever happened last night to make her look like she hasn’t slept in a week?”

Olivia gave a sad smile and nodded. Janet was notoriously protective of Alex. She was protective, and she was a bit of a mother hen. She was the one who kicked Alex in the ass to get up and eat something, to take a walk when she’d spent too many hours at her desk, and to go home when it was time to leave. Everyone knew not to cross Janet, especially when it came to Alex.

“You better fix it, detective.”

“I am. I messed up and I’m working on it.”

“You better be.”

Olivia gave a small smile, glad that someone was keeping an eye out for her girlfriend. It pained her to know that she hadn’t been that someone, but that was changing, she reminded herself. But, she could use Janet’s help so she continued to talk to her, hoping to maybe get on her good side and find an ally in the woman.

“Did she tell you what happened?”

“I know enough. This better not be you only giving a half-assed attempt and then stopping once you think everything has settled. She’s been upset for a long time. You owe her big time.”

“I know. And you know that better than anyone, don’t you?”

The woman gave a curt “hmm” in response.  

“You’re a good assistant.”

“I’m a friend.”

“Yeah,” Olivia admitted. “You are. So, as her friend, will you help me make her happy?”

“I don’t take kindly to people who go back on my trust- or in this case- my help. If I’m helping, it’s because you’re making a forever change.” 

Olivia nodded enthusiastically. She wasn’t in a position to argue and she already knew, if she were in trouble with Alex, she was in trouble with Janet too. But she would do anything to right how she had wronged her lover, including grovelling at Janet’s feet if she thought it would help.

“I let work get in the way of the most important person in my life. It’s not going to happen again.”

“No it’s not.”

Janet stared at her long and hard before finally relenting.

“I’m only going to help you because at one time you made her really happy. I want her to be that happy again.”

“So do I,” Olivia said earnestly. “I really do.”

Janet paused again, still eyeing her, before she finally spoke.

“If you want to start somewhere, go to the animal shelter on Thursday nights. She likes the little grey and white cat. It’s fearful of humans, but it bonded with Alex because that woman is stubborn and was determined to make it trust her. She’s been wanting to take it home but she didn’t want to stress the cat by bringing it into a place it didn’t know and to a human it didn’t trust. But now it trusts her, loves her, and she wants to keep it. She thinks it’ll never happen because the cat’ll never get the chance to learn to trust you since you’re always working. That, and you hate cats.”

“I don’t hate them. I just…” Olivia trailed off.

“Well, learn to like this one. It was abused and is petrified of everyone. You do well with cases like that, I hear.”

Olivia gave a grateful smile.

“Thanks, Janet.”

“Thursday nights, detective. She goes Tuesdays. Earn the cat’s trust because it might make a nice surprise down the road if you just so happen to adopt the cat and she were to come home to Felix sitting with you in the living room. It might make her smile, something she hasn’t been doing very much lately. Just a suggestion.”

Olivia could have kissed her she was so happy. Instead, she gave her a big smile and nodded. When she left, her whole body felt light. She was hopeful.

 


	4. Chapter 4

She came home on time that night, nearly six hours earlier than she’d been averaging over the last few months. She made supper (chicken parmesan and rice noodles- one of Alex’s favourites), surprising the hell out of the other woman when she finally walked in the door.

“You’re home,” Alex said, eyebrows nearly up to her hairline. “And you made supper.”

“I am. And I did,” Olivia confirmed, placing a plate at Alex’s spot. She hovered, uncertain, as she held her own plate. “I’d like to talk… if that’s okay.”

Alex nodded and dropped her things at the door. The apartment was so small that you could see into the kitchen from the entrance, even though the front door technically led into the living room. From where she stood, Alex could see that Olivia had been working hard. There was a pile of recently washed dishes stacked by the sink, along with several pans and pots on the stove. She was surprised, and she couldn’t help the rush of pleasure at knowing Olivia had come home to make her dinner. She was still upset, but she had to admit the gesture was really nice. 

“I’d like to talk too,” she finally said, taking a seat at the table.

“Okay,” Olivia responded, forcing her voice to remain steady. Her stomach was in knots. She truly hoped Alex wasn’t giving up on them.

“Why don’t you go first?” Alex suggested, sitting down and grabbing her fork. “Thanks for supper.”

“You’re welcome,” Olivia murmured, sitting and grabbing her own fork. “I know… I know things were a little, um, up in the air last night. You saying that you weren’t sure what you wanted and everything… I want you to know, I meant it when I said things were going to change,” she said slowly. “I spoke to the Captain today. He agreed: no more overtime. We’re going to stick to my original work schedule, and I’ll only be staying when there’s absolutely no way around it. Even then, he said he’d try not to call on me. I think the main problem with us is that my job has taken over my life, and so I’m putting a stop to it. Today.”

“I have to say I’m really surprised. And part of me is afraid you’ll regret it…” Alex trailed off, unsure of how to continue that thought.

“You mean everything to me, Alex, not the job. Don’t get me wrong. I love my job, but not like I love you. I have been making all the wrong choices for far too long. But today, I finally made the right one. I’m sorry that it took so long. I’m sorry I didn’t see it before and I’m sorry it took you getting this upset, this hurt, for it to happen. But I will always choose you, Alex. Nothing else matters to me, not like you do. So I’m going to be where I should have been this whole time: here with you.”

“I don’t want you to resent me,” Alex replied. She wanted this. God she wanted this, but she was afraid too. “And I don’t want you to slip up like before, going in every once in a while and then it turning back into this.”

“I don’t want that either, Alex. And Christ, I could _never_ resent you for being honest with me about your feelings. Never, okay? You’re too important.

I’ve missed you too. I know I’ve done a terrible job at showing it, but I miss you too and I want things to be better. I want this change too.”

“Then why? Why did you let your job overrun us like it did?”

“I don’t have a good answer for you. Just… it happened. It happened without my even realising it. Before you, us, all I did was work. You know that, but it’s why it’s so easy for it to happen to me again. Back then, I had no friends, no life outside of work. It was normal for me for my entire life to be consumed by my job. So it was just easy to fall back into that habit, to lose myself in my work. I get obsessive sometimes and because of it, I lost sight of us, which I never ever should have let happen.

I want to try again, Alex. I want to show you how much you mean to me. This is not at all what I wanted for us. Please tell me it’s not too late.”

Alex looked down and bit her bottom lip, pushing the chicken around her plate. She couldn’t look into Olivia’s eyes anymore because she couldn’t take the fear in them. Olivia was scared, and in all honesty, part of Alex was glad. She was relieved. It meant Olivia still cared. It meant that she still wanted this, and she was afraid to lose it. It gave Alex hope that maybe she was serious. Maybe she really would make a change.

“It’s not,” Alex finally whispered. “I thought about it and… it’s not. But I’m hurt, Olivia. I’m sad. I feel lonely and I feel like I’ve been chosen second in your life. I shouldn’t be made to feel that way, not when I love you the way that I do.”

Olivia nearly whimpered with relief. Alex still loved her. Alex still wanted to maintain their relationship. She had been terrified that the blonde would say otherwise, would say that it was far too late and that she wanted to break up. Hope filled her senses, and Olivia leaned forward as she spoke with determination. 

“No, you’re right. You shouldn't be. Because you’re not, Alex. God knows you aren’t second and you should never feel that way. I’m sorry I made you feel like you were. It won’t happen again.

I want to try again. I want to do this all over again with you. I know I have a mountain of things to make up for, but please, if you let me, things are going to change and I’ll show you exactly what you mean to me. And I promise you that I will never ever let it get like this.”

“You’ve made a lot of promises in the past, Olivia. Why is this one any different?”

“I have, haven’t I? I’m sorry. I never imagined this for us, Alex. Things were never supposed to be like this. The only way I can prove it to you is with time, but if you let me, I swear to you I will prove it.”

Alex once again looked down at her plate. She poked at her vegetables, finally nodding when silence had reigned over them for an almost uncomfortable amount of time.

“We need to go slowly, if we do. I need time to rebuild the trust that’s been broken between us. I need time.”

“I’m sorry I broke your trust, Alex. I’m sorry I’ve let you down for so long, but I promise I will give you all the time you need. I’ll follow your lead, but I’ll be here every step of the way.”

Alex couldn’t help it. She cried. Olivia sat for all of half of second before pulling her up in her arms and holding her tight. She said she’d take it slow and Olivia didn’t know if slow meant she couldn’t even hug her, but if it did, she would deal with that broken rule later. She couldn’t just sit by and not hold Alex while she cried. How many times had Alex cried and she hadn’t been there to soothe her? The thought brought tears to Olivia’s eyes as well, guilt eating away at her. She tucked Alex in closer, bringing her lips down to her ear to speak to her softly.

“I’m sorry for all the times you cried like this and I wasn’t here to hold you, to make you feel better. I’m sorry for all the times _I_ was the reason you cried. It stops today, okay? It stops today, Alex, I promise you. I’m going to be here the next time you cry, and the time after that, and the time after that. Because I love you, and it’s been far too long since I’ve shown you how much.”

She held her tight and Alex cried, and cried, until she couldn’t cry anymore. Alex cried out the hurt, the pain, the disappointment, the fear. She cried for all the suppers she ate alone, when she wished Olivia hadn’t let her down by not showing up. She cried for all the lonely nights she spent in their bed, clutching a pillow instead of her girlfriend’s warm body. She cried for all the times she had felt cast aside, pushed away in favour of Olivia’s job. She cried for everything she’d been feeling for far too long, and then she cried some more.

When she finally calmed, Olivia continued to hold her until Alex finally pulled away. Olivia then encouraged her to take a hot bath while she cleared the dishes. She knew that Alex would need some time to clear her head, and since they were taking it slow, she chose not to keep her company in the bathroom. Instead, she cleaned the kitchen, occasionally wiping away a tear as she replayed Alex’s sobbing in her mind. She couldn’t stop thinking about how tightly Alex had clung to her and how hard she had cried. There was so much hurt in her, and Olivia had been the cause of it.

_I’m so sorry._

Olivia quietly finished in the kitchen and then moved to the living room, throwing in a movie and muting the home screen until Alex finally joined her.

“Did you have a good bath?” she asked softly.

“I did. I feel better now, thank you.”

“Good. I was thinking maybe we could watch a movie? Just to spend some quiet time together, if that’s okay? I’d really like to just sit with you. Unless you wanted to do something else.”

“No, a movie sounds perfect.”

Alex really didn’t want to talk. She felt drained and a quiet movie sounded really nice.

Olivia smiled softly at her, moving over on the couch to make room. Alex sat next to her, curling up into the arm of the couch. Olivia draped her with a blanket before turning on Alex’s favourite movie: Jurassic Park. They sat quietly next to one another, not touching, not speaking, but it was the happiest Olivia had been in longer than she could remember. She had forgotten how nice it was to just _be_ with Alex.

She could smell her, feel the heat radiating off of her body, and just her mere presence soothed Olivia down to a place of serenity she hadn’t felt in ages. She had forgotten how to relax, and as she sat here now, sharing a blanket with her girlfriend, she was reminded of exactly what she had been missing.

She curled down into the couch, enjoying the feeling of having Alex right next to her. She watched the movie with a smile on her face, hearing a small chuckle at one point when Alex caught her smiling.

“You enjoy watching people get eaten by dinosaurs?”

“Yes,” Olivia said, using her ‘serious’ tone. “It’s very soothing. Something about watching a T-Rex chew someone to pieces just relaxes me to no end.”

Alex gave a genuine laugh, and the sound thoroughly pleased Olivia. She gave the blonde a big, goofy grin before finally admitting why she had been grinning.

“I just… I forgot how nice it was to just be here with you. I was smiling because I’m happy. I haven’t felt this calm, this happy, in a long time. And it’s because of you. And that thought, it made me smile.”

Alex nodded in response, fiddling with the blanket.

“It’s nice for me too.”

Olivia fought the urge to lean over and kiss her, instead turning back to the tv and watching Ellie as she identified the remains of the man who had just been eaten. She would respect Alex’s need for space, even if she desperately wanted to reach out and hold her. But, she didn’t. She stayed on her side the entire time, content to simply sit with Alex. When the movie ended, Olivia turned off the tv before following Alex into their bedroom. They climbed into bed and took their separate sides, but they turned to face one another. How long had it been since she had lain next to Alex like this?

“Thank you for tonight,” Alex murmured.

“Thank _you_ , Alex, for giving me a second chance. I swear to you, you won’t regret it.”

“I hope not.”

“Are you afraid you will?”

“Yes. I can’t help it. I’ve been let down so many times…”

“I know. I was a wrong, Alex. I was an asshole. I was an idiot who didn’t see what she was doing to you. I see it now. I promise you, I see it. I see you. And it’s not going to happen anymore.”

Alex stayed quiet, unsure of what she should say.

“We both know you’re the one setting the pace. I just, I need you to let me know when you want something different or if you need me to do something differently, okay? If I’m doing something you don’t like or you’re feeling unhappy, I need you to tell me. I’m going to do my best to pay attention, but I need you to tell me too. I know I haven’t been around for you to communicate with and I haven’t been around for you to tell me what’s going on with you. But I’m going to be home now and I want to work on communicating with you, okay? I know it has been sorely lacking.”

Alex nodded.

“I’d like that.”

“Me too.”

Alex lay there, looking into Olivia’s eyes. She saw the sincerity in her eyes, and that gave her hope. God, she still loved Olivia so much. There was a lot of hurt, but there was still so much love. She hoped that would be enough to get them through this.

“Sleep tight, sweetheart.”

Alex’s heart warmed. It had been such a long time since she’s heard Olivia call her that.

“Goodnight, Liv.”

They fell asleep facing one another, identical smiles on their faces.

 


	5. Chapter 5

On following Monday morning, a week after their talk, Alex found a note in her lunch. It was a simple message, written in what she noted was Olivia’s best scribble (the woman had notoriously bad writing), wishing her a good day. Simple, sweet, and it brought a smile to Alex’s face. On Tuesday, she noticed that her ringtone had been changed to blare a song she later learnt was “Sound of Your Heart” whenever Olivia called her phone. Wednesday, she found a stash of smooshed cookies in the pocket of her blazer (Alex laughed aloud at that one). Thursday brought a visit from the sugar fairy and although nothing out of the ordinary happened on Friday, knowing that Olivia would be there with her all weekend was enough to make her smile.

Just as she had promised, Olivia was there for breakfast every morning, and she was there every night for supper. Alex took over making supper once Olivia had run out of her specialties (she only had about four), but Alex didn’t mind. She liked cooking. After eating dinner, the two went for a walk or watched a movie before settling in for the night.

It was nice, and with each day that passed during the week, Alex felt more and more happy with the changes Olivia was making. It made a world of difference having her in the apartment. Not only did Alex feel less lonely, she also felt safe. She hadn’t realised how unsafe she had felt before (repeatedly checking the windows and the door) when she was alone in the apartment. Now that Olivia was home, she wasn’t nervous every time she heard footsteps pass by the front door.

“You looked really good in your suit today,” Olivia complimented, slipping into bed next to Alex.

“You’ve said that every day this week. It’s now Friday, and you’re still saying the same thing as you did on Monday.”

“I still mean it, just like I did on Monday. Today, I really liked the scarf you wore. It was cute. You looked very Parisian. Minus the hairy armpits.”

Alex giggled, smiling at her from her side of the bed.

“You wouldn’t like it if I started going au naturel?”

“I… would support you in any decision you made,” she said robotically.

Alex laughed again.

“Very convincing, detective.”

“Did it work? Did you believe me?”

“I almost did.”

“Would it pass cross-examination?”

“You would be slaughtered if the defense got to you.”

Olivia grinned.

“Slimy bastards.”

“That they are.”

They lay there smiling at one another, Olivia flexing her fingers in an effort to not reach out and touch Alex.

“Do you feel better?” she asked suddenly.

“What do you mean?”

“About us? Do you… feel better?”

Alex contemplated the question. She did, in a way. But there was still… doubt. She looked into Olivia’s eyes, seeing the worry in them. She smiled rather than voicing the fear in the back of her mind, unable to quell the desire to soothe her lover.

“Yes. I feel much better.”

“Good.”

They fell asleep facing one another, one woman with a smile, the other with the smallest of frowns between her eyebrows.

\---

The following morning, Alex was quieter than usual and that unnerved Olivia. Alex, even when she was upset, was usually more talkative than she was this morning. She could tell something was weighing on her mind, so she gave her time, hoping that the woman would eventually tell her what was on her mind. She stayed near Alex all day, offering smiles and trying to convey silent support so that she’d feel comfortable enough to talk to her.

She kept whatever it was to herself for the entire day, but it was clearly written on her face that something was wrong.

Alex didn’t realise that she’d been so obvious. She tried to discretely work through her thoughts, but more than once she accidentally slammed a cupboard door or put something down with more force than necessary. Olivia’s question had been bothering her since last night, and she was having trouble with all of the thoughts in her head. Because despite all of the attention, the effort on Olivia’s part, Alex was still… nervous. She was scared to hope that Olivia genuinely meant it when she said this change would be permanent.

This week, she’d been home on time every single night. There had been no hint that Olivia wanted to end their nights early to head back to her job. She’d been perfect. She’d been attentive, engaged, supportive. She’d spent every free moment with Alex, who was still so apprehensive. Every time Olivia’s phone rang, Alex unconsciously tensed, expecting her to say that they needed her and that she had to go. Every time she left for work, Alex expected to get a text saying that Olivia would be home late. When she was preparing dinner, she couldn’t help wondering if she’d be eating alone again.

Try as she might, Alex couldn’t help thinking it was all too good to be true. Sure, she could try and just enjoy it now, but it was hard to even do that when she constantly expected to be let down. After so many months of these emotions running through her, it was hard to shed them now. She couldn’t help feeling that eventually Olivia would tire of being home or that she’d fall into the bad habit of staying at work long past her shift. Worse, Alex worried that Olivia would grow to hate her, despite her assurances that she could never. Olivia loved her job. Could she really not resent Alex for taking her away from it? And even though it didn’t make a lot of sense, Alex was also angry about the change.

She was angry that it took this long for Olivia to change things. It made her angry that Olivia never noticed something was wrong. It made her angry that she didn’t notice how much time had passed since they’d seen one another. Was Alex so forgettable? How could Olivia not know, not notice? Despite all her anger towards Olivia, Alex was also angry with herself, because as much as it was Olivia spending time away from the apartment, from their relationship, it was Alex’s fault for letting it happen. She hadn’t put a stop to it like she should have, and despite her desire to blame it all on her girlfriend, the truth was, she was just as much at fault. She hadn’t really spoken up. She had become complacent, internalising her hurt and disappointment. But Olivia knew she was prone to hiding inside of herself, and she had promised to never let her do that in their relationship. But how could she even know there was a problem if she was never around?

Alex also felt guilty for being angry. She felt she was being unfair. Olivia had listened to her when she told her that she was unhappy. She had fixed the problem, so why was she still angry? The combination of everything she felt weighed heavily on her spirit. And just as she had been doing for the better part of seven months, she kept her feelings to herself and tried to work through them alone.

“Hey.”

Olivia’s voice started Alex so badly that she dropped the glass of water she was holding.

“Fuck,” Alex spat, irritated with herself for making a mess. She got up and yanked a towel out of the kitchen drawer, intent on heading back to the living room to mop up the water. Olivia however, stopped her before she could leave the kitchen.

“Alex? What’s wrong, honey?”

“Nothing,” she said, tone a little clipped. “I just want to clean the mess.”

“No, not about the mess. I mean before. You’ve been upset all day.”

Alex didn’t respond.

“Sweetheart, if you’re upset, I want to know why. You can tell me.”

“I…” she didn’t know what to say. Olivia was trying so hard. Looking into her eyes and seeing just how concerned she was, Alex felt her anger deflate. The truth was, she just didn’t trust Olivia anymore. She didn’t trust her to keep her word this time, despite the effort Olivia had put forth this week. It was great, it made Alex feel heard and it was such a welcome change in their relationship, but there were so many thoughts and feelings that were now floating in her head and in her heart. Having Olivia back home was great. But finally talking about what Alex had been holding back for nearly a year made her feel like she had so much more to say. She felt guilty and unsure of how to voice her feelings though, so she looked down at the floor. 

“This will only work if we’re honest,” Olivia said soothingly. She took a step forward and ducked to look into Alex’s eyes. “I know there’s a lot on your mind, but I need you to be honest with me, Alex. Whatever it is, you can tell me. We’ll get through it together.”

Alex, taking a deep breath for courage, finally spoke when she saw the safety in Olivia’s eyes.

“I’m worried. I’ve loved all the time you’ve spent with me this last week. I’ve loved the notes in my lunch, the movie nights, the talks. I love the surprises and I know how hard you’re trying. But I… I’m angry. I’m angry with you and I feel guilty for feeling angry. And I’m worried. I’m worried this is all temporary and we’re going to go back to how we were. What happens when this all goes away? I can’t survive it again, Olivia.

I’m so scared of being disappointed again. I’m afraid to… to let you in and to believe you. I’m afraid that I’ll let my guard down and you’ll just hurt me again. I can’t go back to how things were. What happens when you’re satisfied I’m happy again and then you go back to going to work like you always do? You just changed overnight. It’s not that easy. It can’t be this easy. It just can’t.”

“Why can’t it be this easy, Alex?”

“Because then that means I’ve wasted nearly a year of my life being miserable for nothing!” she said, lashing out. “It means I laid in our bed and cried alone for nothing, when I should have just come to you. All those lonely evenings, all the times I wished you were there, you could have been! Had I just fucking said something. I’m angry with myself, and I’m angry with you too for going back on your promise to always be there for me. You know how hard it is for me to ask for what I need. Christ, it took me seven months to just ask for more time with you. I’m angry with myself and I’m angry with you and I’m worried and scared. I want you but at the same time I feel a part of me that just wants to push you away before you hurt me again.” 

Olivia took a step forward, but Alex shook her head, darting around her. She needed to get out of this stifling kitchen. Alex was so angry, so hurt, and just so damn scared. She made her way to the living room and angrily mopped up the floor with her dishtowel. Her feelings scared her, so she latched onto the one that felt safe: anger.

She got up and marched to the kitchen, throwing the wet towel into the sink. She had every intention of leaving, but Olivia reached out and gently clasped her wrist, preventing her exit.

“Hey,” she said softly. “I think we need to talk.”

“No, we do not. I don’t want to talk to you.”

“I think that you do. You’re angry, and you’re scared. I get that, Alex. I hurt you, more than I ever, ever wanted to. And if you’re worried or scared or angry, you need to let those things out.”

“I’m fine,” she said sharply, yanking her hand away.

“You’re not fine, Alex.”

“Of course I’m not! All I keep thinking is “when is she gonna get sick of this?” or “is she going to become resentful of me?” or “when is she going to go back to work?”

I keep thinking “you’re not worth all this trouble, Alex. Soon she’s gonna get tired of these games and get over you.” All these thoughts overload my mind and sometimes I can’t even enjoy our evening because they won’t leave me alone. Every time your phone rings, every time you’re leaving for work… it’s the same monologue in my head. How can I trust you again, Olivia? After everything. I don’t know how to trust you.”

She turned away, tears streaming down her cheeks. She heard Olivia approach, giving a half-hearted attempt to pull away when she felt a warm hand on her shoulder. But the truth was, as worried as she was, as angry and hurt as she was, she still wanted Olivia. She needed her.

“Come here, baby.”

A sob hitched in Alex’s throat at the soft tone, coupled with the warm embrace. Olivia held her, stroking her back as she held her close.

“I’m sorry,” Olivia murmured in her hair. “I’m sorry you’re worried about all of this. I know I’ve done this to us. I’m sorry you’re hurting now because of how things were. But the only way you’ll be able to trust me again is with time, and I know that. I knew things wouldn’t change in a week. It took months and months for things to get this bad between us, so it could very well take that long for them to be righted again. But I’m not going anywhere, Alex. I’m going to prove to you that I’ve changed and that our relationship is going to change as well. The loneliness and the hurt you felt for the better part of this last year, I can’t undo that. God knows I wish I could, but I can’t. The only thing I can do is be with you here, now, and prevent it from ever happening again. You need time to heal and time to trust me again. We need to spend time together, and that’s something I will never again take away from you.”

Alex clung to her, eyes closed, biting her quivering bottom lip. She tightened her hold when Olivia stopped talking, not wanting the woman to disappear now that she could no longer hear her voice.

“I love you, Alexandra Cabot. And I am _never_ going to get sick of you. You are worth every fucking effort and I’m so sorry I’ve let you get to this place where you doubt exactly how much you’re worth. I will never think you aren’t worth it, because you are the only thing that matters in this life. You’re the one thing that keeps me going, that gives me hope. I’m never going to resent you or any of the time I spend here in our home. How could I ever resent spending time with you when you’re the most important thing in my life?”

“I haven’t felt like I was in a very long time,” Alex confessed.

Olivia couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down her cheeks. Feeling just how desperately Alex was holding her filled her with incredible guilt.

“I know,” she said, her voice cracking. “I know and that’s my fault. But you are. God, Alex. I swear you are everything to me.”

She laid a soft kiss on her throat, holding her tight.

“I love you, Alex.”

She nodded against Olivia’s throat, holding her tight.

“I love you, too,” she whispered, and Olivia’s heart broke at the sadness in her girlfriend’s voice. 

 


	6. Chapter 6

The following days consisted of more assurances, as well as Olivia’s unwavering presence in Alex’s life. She made sure to spend every minute she could in the apartment, only leaving to go to the gym (when Alex was still asleep). A week turned into two, and still Olivia faithfully left for work and returned home on time. She continued to shower Alex with attention, and with every kept promise, with every plan Olivia didn’t break, Alex slowly started rebuilding the trust she’d lost with her girlfriend. Even something as simple as Olivia saying that she’d pick up a pack of straws on her way home (and then doing it) helped rebuild Alex’s trust. Olivia’s word had been unreliable for so long that Alex had stopped depending on Olivia when she said she’d do something. But as three weeks then turned into four with Olivia remaining consistent, unwavering, and completely dependable, Alex found her anxiety waning.

Olivia put in every effort to ensure that she was doing everything she could to make Alex happy and to mend their broken relationship. She had made her lover miserable for so long, and she took every opportunity to undo the damage she had done. As time progressed, Olivia truly realised just how much she had stopped knowing her girlfriend. Things had changed, and Olivia hadn’t even noticed. Like, Alex now wore stockings instead of pantyhose (upon this discovery, Olivia made sure to be present every time Alex had to dress). Alex had switched from Greek yogurt back to regular (“do you know how bad it is for the environment, Liv? It wasn’t much of a decision”), which was a huge shock given how Alex had raved about her love of Greek yogurt. She no longer loved mango smoothies, favouring peach-banana instead. She had changed laundry day from Tuesday nights to Fridays and she had changed brands of shampoo because hers had been discontinued. Each new discovery was bittersweet. Olivia liked being up-to-date on Alex’s preferences, but with each new piece of information, she realised just how out of touch she had been. But she worked through her guilt, and focused her energy on rediscovering Alex. And as their relationship grew stronger, as they learned to be a couple once again, Olivia started to realise that she had neglected more than just Alex.

Olivia had looked at herself in the mirror one morning about a week after Alex’s second breakdown. She _really_ looked at herself and she realised that she didn’t recognise the woman staring back at her. The woman in the mirror was gaunt, underweight, had dark circles under her eyes, her hair was long, much longer than it should be, and she had frown lines that had never been there before. She looked sick, and it hit Olivia hard. She hadn’t looked at herself in the mirror in months, too busy with work to consider her appearance. She had taken to throwing her hair up in a ponytail when it had gotten too long, but she had hated every second of it. She didn’t have the time to get a haircut though, so she’d had no choice but to tie it back. She didn’t eat properly because there just wasn’t time to make anything, and the few hours she did spend at home when she could have made something, she spent it catching what little sleep she could instead. Olivia’s overworking had taken its toll on her body, and as she mended her relationship with Alex, she began taking care of herself as well.

The first change had been the haircut, which had happened later that very afternoon- nearly a month ago now. (Alex had immediately invaded her personal space afterwards, grinning, to run her hands through it. “ _You look **so**_ _good with a pixie cut.”_ Olivia had thoroughly enjoyed having Alex’s fingers in her cropped locks for the rest of the evening.) She had also joined a gym, heading there in the early hours of the morning before Alex woke up. She made sure to be back for breakfast, and her hard work had started to pay off when she had caught Alex staring at her one night as she helped her rearrange the furniture. Her eyes were locked on her flat stomach, as well as her toned arms. Her body was not as defined as it once was, but it was getting there. Olivia had been putting on weight as well, and as she filled out her jeans once again and slowly built muscle, she was filled with an energy she hadn’t had in longer than she could remember.

She had started reading again as well, an activity she thoroughly enjoyed which, as an added bonus, was best done in the privacy of their apartment. Alex often joined her when Olivia was reading on the couch, snuggling up beside her and pulling out a book of her own. They had spent many a night wrapped around one another, each lost in their own novel. It was nice to simply _be_ with one another, while still taking some time for themselves. 

“Hey, Earth to you, Space Cadet.”

Olivia pulled out of her thoughts to face the smiling woman next to her. They were sitting on the couch, having planned a movie night to pass the lazy Wednesday evening.

“Sorry. I got a little distracted. Did you choose the movie?”

“I did. Are you alright?”

“Yes. Sorry,” Olivia apologised. “I got trapped in my head thinking about you.”

“Everything okay?”

“More than okay. What are we watching?”

“Piranha.”

Olivia rolled her eyes.

“You and your love of people getting eaten on screen.”

“Oh no. I don’t watch those types of movies,” Alex said innocently as she popped in the DVD. “The women do a terrible job of faking it. I prefer to just use my imagination.”

“That’s not what I-” Olivia stopped when she saw Alex’s shit eating grin. “You’re an asshole.”

Alex laughed, dropping down next to Olivia on the couch.

“You left that one wide open for me, detective.”

Olivia rolled her eyes, reaching out and pulling the smaller woman into her arms. Alex had okayed hugs and cuddling two weeks ago, so Olivia had been taking full advantage. Every time Alex was within distance, she received some sort of physical affection: a hug, a peck on the cheek, a hand on her lower back, fingertips grazing her arm. Olivia was constantly reaching out, touching her. Alex craved her touch, and she leaned into her every time Olivia reached out to her. Tonight was no different. She curled into Olivia, practically sitting in her lap with how close she was. Alex breathed in her scent, turning so that her nose was buried in her neck. She left a soft kiss against her throat before resting her head on Olivia’s shoulder, turning towards the television to start the movie.

They sat quietly, Olivia gently rubbing Alex’s hip with her hand until the blonde grabbed her hand and intertwined their fingers. She then pulled her fingers away, laying Olivia’s hand in hers, palm up, and traced her hand. She traced along her fingers, up and down, until she reached her palm, where she traced every curb and line.

“You don’t want to watch the movie?” Olivia murmured against her head, kissing her temple.

Alex smiled at the kiss, turning her head to look at her.

“I like looking at your hands.”

“They’re not that interesting.”

Alex nodded.

“Yes they are.”

“Oh yeah? What makes them so interesting?”

Alex looked down at Olivia’s palm, a small smile on her face.

“They’re so different from mine. Your hands are always calloused, rough because of how hard you work. Your nails are always really short because you bite them when you get stressed or nervous or bored or it’s a day that ends in ‘y’,” Alex teased, kissing her fingertips. “They’re bigger than my hands, stronger. They make me feel delicate, feminine, even though yours are really feminine too. I love the scar you have here right under your ring finger. It makes me smile because I know you got it trying to make me breakfast on our anniversary. It reminds me of how sweet you are.

I love your hands because they are used to soothe scared children, pulling them into hugs and rubbing their backs. They hold victims’ hands, strong and confident when they themselves feel weak. They remind me of safety and comfort late at night when they hold me in our bed. They’re protective, grabbing perps and throwing them to the ground when it’s needed. They’re chivalrous, holding doors open for me or pulling back chairs. These hands have wiped away my tears and consoled me after lost cases. They’ve cheered me on during difficult presentations, clapping loudly after I finished. They’ve made me go catatonic with their incredible massages. Your hands are an extension of you: strong and safe.”

Olivia felt a wave of affection wash over her as Alex spoke. Her desire to envelop the woman with those very hands was overwhelming, so when she stopped talking, Olivia wrapped her in her arms and laced their fingers. Alex rested her head against Olivia’s collarbone for several minutes, contemplating her last confession about Olivia’s hands. Her girlfriend may have thought she was finished, but she was most definitely not.

“I didn’t tell you the reason I love these hands the most.”

“Oh?” Olivia asked, curious.

Alex untangled their fingers, shifting in Olivia’s lap until she was straddling her thighs and facing her. She looked into her eyes, ensuring their gazes were locked before she continued.

“Those hands have also brought me incredible pleasure. They’ve made me feel wanton, sexy, out of control the way they roam my body, exploring every inch of my skin. They’ve brought me to heights I didn’t know existed. They’ve tortured me, keeping me on edge until I was practically crying, only to throw me off so hard I screamed myself hoarse. They’ve been _inside_ of me. They know me intimately, having pushed deeper inside of my body than anyone else ever has. And no matter how many times they touch me, no matter how often they’re on my body, I never get tired of the way they feel.

They represent safety and comfort, yes. Protection, definitely. But they also represent incredible pleasure, sensuality, lust… in addition to love. I look at them and I remember how they felt on my breasts, tugging on my nipples and making my hips buck against your thigh. I remember how they made me shiver, ghosting over my ribs as they travelled down my body. I can hear the gasp you pulled from me when they finally pushed between my legs, stroking against my clit. And I can’t help but relive the moments they spent inside of me, filling me, making me feel so, so good. I crave their touch. I crave riding those fingers, feeling them press deep inside of me, encouraging the orgasm clawing its way out. I look at your hands, and I think of every time they were rubbing between my legs, only to be coated with my orgasm when they inevitably made me come.”

Olivia’s brain short circuited, her breathing having moved from “slightly increased” to full on panting heavily. _Jesus Christ_. She was uncomfortably wet between her legs, beyond turned on at the words Alex had just said to her. God damn her girlfriend had a way with words. Not surprising given her profession, but again… God damn.

Olivia couldn’t say anything; she simply swallowed hard. Alex was the one setting the pace between them, and she wasn't sure what this meant. She really hoped it meant there would be at least _some_ touching because right now, Olivia was more than ready to go. She forgot to breathe as Alex leaned forward, bringing her lips to Olivia’s ear.

“I would very much like to kiss you now. Is that okay?”

Olivia, unable to respond, simply nodded. Before she could register Alex’s shift in position, warm, eager lips were suddenly on hers, pulling a moan from deep within her. Alex gripped the back of Olivia’s head, holding her steady as she shifted on her lap. She straightened her back, using her height to aggressively invade Olivia’s space. She pushed her hard into the back of the couch, kissing her firmly on the lips. Olivia’s hands squeezed her hips, kneading and massaging as she kissed her back just as passionately.

Alex moaned against her lips. She loved Olivia’s hands and saying what she thought out loud had turned her on even more than she had expected. She was slick between her thighs, and the more they kissed, the more her arousal grew. She pressed hard nipples into Olivia’s sternum, diving her tongue into her girlfriend’s mouth when it dropped open.

Olivia’s mind went temporarily blank as she felt Alex’s breasts press into her, but when she felt an insistent tongue in her mouth, her body reacted instinctively. Her tongue darted forward and sought out Alex’s, both women now moving against one another as they kissed. Olivia clamped her thighs together, trying desperately not to give into the desire to flip Alex onto her back and fuck her into the couch. It had been so fucking long since they’d touched each other and this was the first time Alex had initiated this kind of contact. Usually, they cuddled or shared soft pecks on the lips. This, however, was definitely a welcome change.

When Alex finally broke away, Olivia dropped boneless against the back of the couch. She couldn’t help the groan that escaped her lips. Her body was on fire. She did her best to catch her breath, panting against Alex’s throat when the woman curled up against her.

“Fuck,” she finally breathed out.

She felt Alex chuckled against her neck, nodding in agreement. Olivia wrapped her arms around her waist, holding her tight as their bodies slowly cooled off. It took several minutes, but finally their breathing returned to normal and Alex had recovered enough energy to pull away. She stayed on Olivia’s lap, cupping her cheek and smiling at her.

“Hi.”

“Hi, baby.”

Olivia leaned up and gave her a soft kiss. She gently squeezed her hips, her body radiating affection for the smaller woman. She wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around her and hold her close.

“Do you want to finish the movie or go to bed?” she asked, smiling up at Alex.

Alex hesitated, biting her lip. Olivia could see the concern on her face, so she quickly clarified.

“I just want to hold you. I’d rather go to bed so I can spoon you, but we can finish the movie first if you want.”

Alex visibly relaxed.

“Okay. I’d like that too.”

They turned off the movie and quickly got ready for bed. Alex slid into bed first, waiting as Olivia took her turn to brush her teeth. She closed her eyes when she heard water running, smiling widely when the bed dipped and a warm body wrapped around her own. Olivia slipped her hand between Alex’s waist and the mattress, tugging the woman closer until she was satisfied there wasn’t even a hair’s breadth between their molded bodies. They both sighed, relaxing into each other’s embrace.

“Thank you for not asking for more,” Alex whispered. “I wasn’t trying to be… to tease you, not in a cruel way. I just wanted you to know what I thought when I look at your hands. I wanted you to know how much I like them.”

Olivia pressed a soft kiss to the back of Alex’s head.

“I would never ask you for something you weren’t ready for, Alex. Especially not that, and especially given my line of work. I’m happy with whatever you give me. More than happy. I’m grateful that you’re slowly letting me in and learning to trust me again. This past month has been incredible.”

Alex turned until they were facing one another. They could barely see each other, but there was enough light that Alex could make out the outline of Olivia’s face. She stroked her cheek, leaning forward just far enough to press a soft kiss to her lips.

“You’re the kindest, most patient woman I have ever met. I gave you my heart years ago, Olivia, and I have never once regretted that decision. You may have hurt me, but I would never give up on us without a fight. I’m glad you felt the same way.”

Olivia leaned forward and kissed her in response, her hand placed protectively against Alex’s lower back. Alex had once dubbed that Olivia’s “spot” because her hand always found its way there, holding her, guiding her, reminding Alex that she was there. Years passing brought many changes in their relationship, but that was one thing that forever remained unchanged.

Alex pulled away and turned back around, wiggling her butt into Olivia’s hips as she settled. She was met with a laugh against her neck and a gentle hand snaking around her body.

“I love you, Alexandra Cabot.”

“I love you too, Olivia Benson.”

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second last chapter already. M rating earned next update :)

Olivia flexed in the mirror, grinning as she watched the muscles on her arms tighten. Her hard work was paying off and she just couldn’t help checking herself out. She was more than pleased with the results, watching as she made her muscles dance. She was looking damn good.

“Checking yourself out in the mirror again?”

Olivia laughed.

“I can’t help it. Look at these guns.”

She flexed for Alex, who rolled her eyes. Olivia grinned. The woman’s eyes lingered for a little longer than necessary before she finally rolled her eyes. She often caught Alex checking her out, and that was more than enough motivation to roll out of bed an hour and a half earlier than was necessary.

Alex licked her lips before she spoke, suddenly realising she had come to the bathroom for a reason.

“I’m going to head to my art class now. If you’re done gawking at yourself, maybe you could walk me to the subway?”

Olivia, still smiling, nodded in agreement. They headed to the subway, hand in hand, quietly enjoying the walk. She squeezed Alex’s fingers when they arrived, wishing her luck (just as she did every week), before seeing her off. She then turned around, and with a slight skip in her step, headed for the animal shelter.

She still hadn’t told Alex about her weekly visits to see Felix, and her girlfriend was none the wiser as Olivia always arrived home before she did. Olivia felt a little guilty keeping the secret, but she knew the surprise would make Alex incredibly happy. She knew Alex still did not ever expect to take Felix home, which made this surprise all that much sweeter.

Olivia grinned as she heard the familiar bells chime as she pushed the door open to the shelter.

“Olivia! Welcome back.”

“Hello, Chang. How’s it going tonight?” she asked, removing her coat and shoes as she entered the back room.

“It’s going well. Felix has been waiting for you.”

Olivia walked over and grinned when he looked up and meowed at her. It might not be much of a greeting, but it was a huge improvement from the first few weeks. The first day, Olivia couldn’t even get him to look at her. He had run away and refused to come out of his hiding spot, too scared to come and see her. She spoke to him though, patiently, as she cleaned out and refilled his water dish, emptied his litter box, and refilled his food bowl. She made sure to touch as much as she could in his cage (it made her incredibly sad that these animals all lived in cages), hoping that by leaving her scent, he would be more responsive the following week.

Unfortunately, he hadn’t been. He had done the same thing, but she didn’t let his dismissal deter her. Olivia spoke to him from a comfortable distance, petting other cats while secretly hoping Felix would come around. She knew it would take time, but she was also a little worried it might not ever happen. She wanted to bond with Felix before she adopted him because she didn’t want to bring home an animal who feared her. That wasn’t fair to Felix, and she wanted him to feel comfortable with her before she brought him to the apartment. His reluctance to even acknowledge her presence made Olivia feel a little discouraged, but she was nothing if not a problem solver. She spent the evening of her second visit coming up with a plan for the following week.

The third week, she donned a pair of Alex’s pyjamas (they were the only thing that fit- Alex’s other clothes were all way too tight). Olivia hoped Alex’s scent would lure Felix out of his hiding spot, so she sat close to him and waited. It didn’t, but he had at least looked over when she had gotten close to him. It was more than he had given her the previous two weeks, when he had ignored her completely. Olivia brought treats the fourth week, clad once again in Alex’s worn pyjamas. He hadn’t come out, but he did eat the treats she left by his food bowl. She never stopped talking to him though, no matter how much he hid from her.

It was in the fifth week that he had _finally_ come out of his hiding spot, acknowledging her presence when she was cleaning out his water bowl. Olivia held out her hand, careful not to move it, while he sniffed it. He allowed her to pet him a few times, but when she made a move to stroke his head, he skittered away. Olivia spoke to him as always as she cleaned out his litter box, leaving a few treats by his bed when she left. Week six had brought the first meow, followed by the first head butt against her wrist. He had allowed her to scratch his ears, pet his body, and he had lain within view of her as she cleaned out his cage. Olivia’s cheeks hurt from smiling by the time she finally left after that visit. She was incredibly happy. By week seven, Felix actually allowed her to pick him up and stroke him under his chin. They had officially become friends. Tonight was the first night in five weeks that she showed up without Alex’s pyjamas. Olivia was a little apprehensive, wondering if Felix would play shy and stay away from her. But, he simply looked up from his perch and meowed at her, seemingly unbothered by the fact that she was no longer wearing Alex’s clothing.

“How has he been?” Olivia asked, as she scratched his head.

“Quiet as always, but I think he knew you were coming. He’s been looking out the window for you.”

Olivia grinned as she lifted the cat, pulling him into her arms and cuddling him close.

“So do you think Alex suspects anything?” Chang asked.

“Not a thing. I went to the pet shop to get what we’ll need for Felix on Tuesday while Alex was here, and she had no clue I even left the apartment. She has no idea I’m bringing him home tomorrow. I’ll arrive around four if that works for you? I’m going to pick up his bed and all that before I stop by here. The owner of the pet shop was nice enough to hold everything for me until tomorrow so that I could keep it a surprise.”

“That was very kind of him. Tomorrow at four works very well. We’ll miss him, but I’m happy he’s found his forever home.”

“So am I. I’m glad he actually likes me.”

Felix meowed, Olivia interpreting that as his approval as well.

“You agree, huh?” she asked, kissing the top of his head. “I’ll be back at four o’clock sharp tomorrow to pick you up.”

And, as promised, Olivia showed up the following afternoon at 3.58 p.m., cat carrier in tow.

 “Are you ready for him?” Chang asked with a smile.

“Yes, ma’am. I left work early and picked up his new cat home, which is way better than anything I’ve ever lived in I must say. It has a hammock and three different levels. He’s also got his new cat dish and I got a couple of cat tents in case he needs a safe place to hide, along with a ridiculous amount of toys.”

She had bought an obscene amount of cat toys, a couple of cat costumes (who could resist the cute cat dinosaur costume?!), some treats, and a new litter box. The litter box was her second favourite item. It was self-cleaning, a built-in rake removing the cat’s waste after he finished. The only thing they would have to do is remove the tray the waste goes into and dump its contents into the trash. She had looked at the standard boxes, drab grey ones she’d have to empty herself. She had made a face, but she’d have been willing to do it. However, when she had seen that glorious self-cleaning model, angels had sung and she was pretty sure a beaming white light from the heavens had shone down upon it. Olivia had happily carried the box to the check-out counter, paying a price she didn’t care to remember. It would be worth it though to never have to handle cat poop ever. 

“Did you get his collar?”

“I did,” Olivia said proudly. It was by far her favourite item.

She held up the small collar, complete with blue bowtie, small bell, and gold tag engraved with his name.

“Oh!” Chang squealed. “It’s adorable! It even has a bowtie! Where did you find this?”

“At the pet store. They had so many to choose from, but I think this one was the best one.”

“Definitely. Alex still doesn’t know?”

“Nope. It’s going to be a complete surprise.”

“She’s going to love it.”

“I hope so,” Olivia said smiling.

She continually surprised Alex with small gestures, but this would be the first grand one she would make since their talk. Olivia knew that if she had tried to do something this elaborate too soon, it would not have gone over well. Alex had needed time to get through the pain she felt and they needed to rebuild their relationship. After nine weeks of daily conversations and spending every morning and evening together, they had finally reached a point where Olivia felt confident the gesture would be well received.

“Well hello, Mr. Felix.”

The cat meowed at her feet, circling her ankles and peering up at her. Olivia squatted down and greeted him, gently fastening his collar to his neck.

“You’re officially ours, Felix.”

The cat meowed in response, going limp when she picked him up.

“Okay, buddy. You have to travel in this crate until we get home, but then I promise you’ll have a whole apartment to roam in.”

He meowed again, allowing her to place him in the crate. She dug a few treats out of her pocket and placed them at his paws, smiling when he eagerly dug in.

“He’s turned into quite the glutton,” Chang observed.

Olivia laughed.

“I know. He’s going to get fat in no time.”

Chang smiled, approaching the crate and peering in.

“Goodbye, Felix. I’ll miss you, but I’m very happy you have found your forever family.” 

The cat continued eating, not looking up. Chang shrugged.

“Fickle little guy.”

Olivia grinned at her and grabbed the crate, eager to head home to surprise Alex.

“So I’ll be back next Thursday. I’ll let you know then how it went with him this weekend.”

Olivia had been taking care of other cats, as well as Felix, in her eight weeks at the shelter. She had grown fond of them all, and it felt wrong to abandon them just because she was bringing Felix home. So, she and Chang had made a plan that she would continue coming back, but perhaps she’d change her nights so that they coincided with Alex’s. She would discuss it with her girlfriend, but Chang had said it was perfectly fine for them to come together.

“Sounds good. Take care, Olivia.”

She decided to take a taxi rather than subject Felix to the thirty minute walk home. When they pulled up, she paid the driver and made her way into the elevator, her stomach tightening with anticipation. Alex would be so surprised and she knew the woman would be over the moon when she realised Felix was there to stay. Alex had always wanted a pet, and knowing how attached she’d grown to Felix would make this surprise all the sweeter.

Olivia exited the elevator when it got to their floor and made her way inside their apartment, setting the crate on the floor once the door was closed. She opened the crate door, attempting to coax the cat out by crouching down with more treats. The cat meowed nervously, refusing to leave the safety of the crate.

“That’s okay, Felix. You stay in there until you’re ready to come out.”

Olivia got up and removed her jacket, hanging it in the closet (a habit she had developed when Alex told her she was tired of hanging it for her. See? Progress).

“But I’ll have you know, I bought you a pretty sweet cat house and if you wanna check it out, you’re gonna have to leave your crate. It’s so big, it’s technically called a cat condo. You have your own freaking condo, Felix. It’s in the spare room, by the way. I put it there for you because that’s going to be your room from now on, but you’re gonna have to share with us because it’s also technically our office. I don’t think you’ll mind though because there’s a shit ton of sun in that room and I put your condo right in prime sun location.”

Olivia paused.

“Don’t tell the other human I said “shit”. I might be stronger than she is, but she is much scarier. I’m giving you a tip right now, Felix. Never piss that woman off. She’s a prosecutor. She will argue you right into the ground.”

Olivia headed to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water before returning to the couch and settling in. She was getting antsy for Alex to get home.

“Are you gonna come out now, kitty?” she said gently.

He meowed in response, carefully stepping a paw out of his crate.

“It’s okay, buddy. There’s no one here to hurt you. Come on out and check out the place. You’ll notice it’s very tastefully decorated. That’s all Alex. I couldn’t decorate an apartment to save my life. Did you know my first apartment didn’t even have a picture up? It was nothing but stark white walls, but it had a tv and fast food places within walking distance. I thought I was happy too, until I met your other human and she showed me what real happiness is. Now hopefully with you here to surprise her, we’ll show her a little happiness too. She’s pretty great, your new human. You chose a good one to love.”

She watched quietly as Felix made his way around the apartment, cautiously peeking into and exploring each room. She lay on the couch, calling out to him when she heard him meowing. He came running back after thoroughly exploring his new home, eventually settling on the couch with Olivia once he had satisfied his curiosity.

Olivia woke with a start some time later when she heard Alex’s key in the door. Felix immediately jumped off the back of the couch, skittering away to hide. The door opened and the smile on Olivia’s face was immediately replaced with concern when she saw Alex’s tear streaked face.

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong? What happened?”

Alex looked at her and burst into tears, closing the door and leaning her head against it. Her shoulders shook as she cried, Olivia quickly jumping off the couch and pulling her into her arms.

“Baby, what happened? Are you okay? Did someone hurt you?”

Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia, squeezing her tight.

“No one hurt me,” she choked out, clutching at Olivia.

“Please tell me why you’re crying,” Olivia said, her voice full of concern.

“I- I decided to stop by the shelter today after work, because I had a shitty day and wanted to see Felix. And I- I,” Alex bit her lip. “I went to see him but someone-”

“Someone had adopted him.”

Alex’s chest tightened as she fought off a sob, nodding her head instead. It was silly for her to be so upset; he was just a cat. But he wasn’t _just_ a cat. He was… he was so much more than that to her. Alex had learnt when she first arrived at the shelter that Felix was a long-time resident, and no one had been able to earn his trust. He must have sensed how Alex was hurting, or maybe there was just something about her that he instinctively felt drawn to, because he had been the one to approach her, and not the other way around. They had been good for each other, bonding in a way that Alex never had with an animal before. He brought her companionship when she was so incredibly lonely. And she taught him that he really could trust humans, even if she had been the only one he trusted. He’d been her friend, and now he was gone and she’d never even gotten the chance to say goodbye.

Olivia was upset that Alex was crying, but she knew this would all be solved in a few minutes when she found Felix. She gave Alex a strong hug before pulling away, pecking her on the cheek as she did.

“Hang on, baby.”

She reluctantly left Alex, searching every nook and cranny for the cat in question. She finally found him in the office (or his room) in one of the cat tents. She attempted to coax him out, but he refused to leave the safety of the shelter. She sighed and made her way back to the living room, holding out her hand to Alex.

“Come with me, honey. I have something to show you.”

“I really don’t want to see it, Olivia. Not right now.”

“You do. Please just trust me?”

Alex looked up at Olivia. She looked at her for a long moment before finally giving in. She was too sad to argue. Alex held Olivia’s hand as she was guided to the office, frowning when she saw the strange, carpeted structure by the window. That definitely wasn’t here this morning. Before she could ask, Olivia dragged her to the corner of the room and pulled her down so that she was kneeling on the floor.

“Hey, buddy. Come on out.”

“Olivia?” Alex asked, but when she turned her head, her eyebrows shot up and her eyes filled with tears again. She would recognise that grey and white face anywhere. “Felix?”

Her voice cracked, but the cat seemed to recognise her voice anyway. He immediately came out, meowing at the two of them. He walked right up to Alex, one soft paw pressed to her knee as he boosted himself up to get closer to her.

“Felix!” Alex cried happily, scooping him up into her arms. She laughed as she held him close, scratching behind his ears as he meowed at her. “But how did you…? Where did he come from? How did he get here?”

“He came from the shelter. I wanted to surprise you.”

“What? When did you do this?”

“Tonight, after work,” Olivia explained. “I’m sorry for upsetting you. I didn’t know you’d be going to the shelter tonight or else I would have at least… I don’t know. Warned you maybe? I wanted to surprise you, not make you cry.”

Alex kissed Felix’s head before letting him down. He was getting restless. To her surprise, he hopped onto Olivia’s lap, sitting there while she affectionately scratched under his collar.

“I don’t understand. How did you do all of this? I thought I’d never see him again.”

“Well, you’ll get to see him every day because he’s your cat now.”

Alex watched as Olivia stroked his head. He was so friendly with her.

“He’s a completely different cat. I can’t believe he’s sitting in your lap. At the shelter, he was so scared of everyone.”

Olivia smiled and moved to pet his head.

“He’s actually still the same cat. He’s still scared of everyone. The truth is… I’ve been going there on Thursday nights for the past couple of months. After I walk you to the subway, I walk to the shelter instead of going home and spend a couple hours there with him and the other cats. I just, I don’t know. I was patient with him and talked to him, cleaned out his cage. I also tricked him by wearing your old pyjamas so that I smelled like you. That helped. It took time and patience, but he trusts me now.”

“You went every Thursday?”

“Yes, for the past eight weeks.”

“While I was at my art class.”

“Yes.”

Alex looked at her, stunned. Olivia had done all of that? How had she not known?

“I’m sorry for keeping it from you. I did feel guilty because I felt like I was lying when we’ve been working so hard on communicating. But I thought this would be such a nice surprise. I hope you like it and that you’re not upset.”

Felix, having tired of being petted, scampered off her lap in favour of exploring the apartment again. Olivia watched Alex, who still wasn’t smiling. She was sitting there, tear marks on her cheeks, shaking her head. Olivia couldn’t help but feel nervous. Had she made a mistake?

“Alex? You’re making me nervous. Are you upset with me? I really was doing this because I wanted to do something nice. I wanted to surprise you. I’m sorry if it just upset you.”

“You went every Thursday while I was at class?” she asked again.

“Yeah,” Olivia responded, scratching the back of her head. “I knew Felix was your favourite and I knew he was kind of skittish so I wanted him to get the chance to get to know me before I brought him home. I wanted there to be a trust between us, and believe me, it wasn’t easy. But, I think he likes me now. And I don’t have to wear your pjs anymore for him to come see me. That’s definitely a bonus.”

“You really wore my pyjamas?”

“Yeah, I did. Not the embarrassing ones with the ducks on them. The pink flannel ones.”

“You wore pink flannel pyjamas in public?” Alex asked, a hint of humour in her voice.

“I did. How else was I going to get him to trust me? I think he only liked me at first because I smelled like you, but we’re cool now.”

Alex looked at her for a long moment.

“I can’t believe you did all of that.”

Olivia smiled, feeling a little sheepish.

“I wanted to do something nice for you, Alex. I know he’s your favourite; you always talked about him. Your eyes lit up whenever you told me about the things he did while you were at the shelter with him. I wanted to make you happy, Alex. That’s all I ever want. I made you sad for such a long time. I know I can’t make up for that, but I thought this was something I could do to make you smile.”

“It was incredibly nice, Liv. But, you hate cats.”

“I don’t, actually,” Olivia responded. “The truth is… I really like cats. I had a cat once, growing up.”

“Princess. I remember. But I thought she was your mom’s cat.”

“She technically was her cat, but she was more mine. I know I only mentioned her in passing but I didn’t tell you that… we were actually really close. I had her my whole life, you know that, but you don’t know what she meant to me. I never really told you.”

Olivia took a deep breath before explaining.

“When my mom was drinking and partying and I was home by myself, Princess was always there. She slept in my bed and when I was afraid, it was almost like she sensed it and would come and find me. She was my only source of comfort, my only companion when I was a child. She saw me through every stage of my childhood and she was there through the worst years of my adolescence. No matter how shitty my life was, no what my mom did to me, no matter what changed in my life, she was always there. She was my one constant.

After she passed away…” Olivia took a moment to blink away the tears. Even after all this time, it still hurt. “It hurt so much after she passed away that I pushed away any other cat. Part of it felt like a betrayal, you know? That I was betraying her by liking another one, and part of it was fear of ever hurting that much again. I felt so alone after she died and I never wanted to feel that kind of pain ever again. So, I never allowed myself to have that kind of bond with another animal by saying that I wasn’t an animal person, especially cats. I know some people think pets are just pets and can be replaced but,” Olivia gave a small shrug, “she was the only thing I had, you know? We were so poor. I didn’t have much, but I always had her. And my mom, well. I don’t like to speak poorly of her because she was my mom, but that cat showed me what love was. She never bit me; she never scratched me. She never hit me or called me a mistake or threw me against the wall. She never came home drunk and made shitty comments to me. Every day after school, Princess came running to the door when I came home. She sat at the table with me while I ate and she slept on my chest at night so I wasn’t alone. She was more than a pet. She was my best friend.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this?” Alex asked softly.

It wasn’t an accusation, but she’d known Olivia for over a decade, and she had never heard any of this. It made her heart ache just as it always did when Olivia spoke of her past. The woman had suffered so much, and yet she was the kindest, sweetest person Alex knew. It was easy to love Olivia, especially when she opened up about what she survived. When Alex thought about what Olivia went through and then how, despite it all, she turned into this incredibly loving, supportive woman, it made Alex fall in love with her all over again.

“It still hurts, after all this time. She was my only real family for almost twenty years, and it’s hard to think about her. I still have a hard time looking at pictures, even though I have them just in case I decide I want to one day. I didn’t want to tell you because… well I was afraid I’d look stupid for being so attached to a cat.”

Alex had a very strong feeling it was Olivia’s mother who had planted such a thought in her head. She was sure of it, but now was not the time to discuss yet another form of abuse Olivia suffered at the hands of her mother.

“I would never think you were stupid, Olivia, especially not about something that means so much to you. I’m glad that you had her and I’m so sorry you lost her.”

“Me too. She was a great source of comfort.”

The truth was, she had been Olivia’s only source of comfort. Her mother often left the apartment to do… well, Olivia didn’t like to think about what she did. So she’d been a small child left alone in a one bedroom apartment in a bad neighbourhood. She’d grown up hearing police sirens, people screaming, banging coming from neighbours and from outside. She’d often been scared, but Princess had always been there with her, and she had soothed Olivia greatly.

“Is it going to hurt to have Felix around?” Alex asked tentatively.

“No. The truth is, I’ve healed over the years. I still feel guilty, and it still hurts a bit. I think it always will, but I can’t imagine if she had been human that she’d tell me I was never allowed to love anyone else but her. She would never say that.

I’ll never forget her, and I’m not trying to. Felix isn’t her and he never will be and that’s okay. He’s got his own personality and I like that. And he needed a home and he comforted you like she did me. I would never want to be the reason you couldn’t have that kind of comfort. I just want you to be happy, Alex. And I think Felix makes you really happy. So are you okay with this? With having him here?”

Alex gave a small laugh.

“God, you have no idea how okay I am with this. You mean it, though? We can really keep him?”

Olivia slid over to the desk, opening the first drawer.

“I need to get a frame, but…”

She handed over the paper to Alex.

“ _Certificate of Adoption_ ,” Alex read, “ _This certifies that Alex and Olivia have officially adopted Felix and welcomed him into his forever home_.”

Alex looked up, eyes watering, and bit her bottom lip. She had dreamed and dreamed about this. She had imagined bringing him home, but she genuinely did not think it would ever happen. Olivia had stated how much she did not want a cat, but she had done all of this… for Alex.

Alex placed the paper on the floor and made her way onto Olivia’s lap, sitting on her thighs and cupping her cheeks.

“You did all of this for me.”

“I would do anything for you,” Olivia confessed.

Alex looked into her eyes, smiling wide.

“You spent two months going to the shelter.”

“I did.”

“You wore my pyjamas in public. You honestly wore my pyjamas out in public?”

“I did. I was determined to make him like me and smelling like you seemed like a good plan. Well, it was a good plan because it worked.”

“And then you adopted him and bought all of these things for him.”

“I did. He’s going to be the happiest cat out there.”

“Olivia.”

And the way Alex said her name, full of awe and wonder, made Olivia’s body warm.

Alex leaned forward and pressed their lips together, initiating a loving, gentle kiss. _This_ Olivia was the woman she had fallen in love with, the woman who spent weeks upon weeks over a decade ago gently coaxing Alex out of her protective shell, just trying to get her to go out for lunch. Olivia had slowly earned her trust by doing incredibly thoughtful things like dropping by her office out of the blue to bring her a coffee or doing something as simple as giving her a genuine smile when Alex walked into the room. Just that small gesture, the smile, had formed cracks in Alex’s suit of armour. She had been powerless against Olivia’s charm, and the woman had wormed her way into Alex’s heart.  

And now, ten years later, she had done the same with Felix. A wave of love bubbled inside Alex, and she needed to get closer. She shifted forward, her knees coming to embrace Olivia’s hips as Alex tilted her girlfriend’s head back to get a better angle. Alex held her firmly in place, her lips pressing hard into the ones beneath her. The kiss was alternatively soft and rough, gentle and hard, sweet and heated. Alex poured all the affection and warmth she currently felt into the kiss, clenching her thighs as her arousal slowly started building.

Olivia felt the same fire between her legs, but she kept a tight rein on her reaction to it. She maintained her hands on Alex’s hips, consciously holding them still so that they didn’t wander. Their make out sessions had steadily increased in the past eight weeks, but their relationship still had not yet turned completely intimate. Alex wasn’t ready, so Olivia made sure to always keep her hands in check. She was not going to push her before she was ready.  

Olivia focused on the stunning creature in her lap, brushing her lips against Alex’s as she eagerly kissed her back. She ignored the throb between her thighs, instead keeping her attention on the way Alex hovered above her, her blonde hair blanketing their faces. The soft weight in her lap was incredibly comforting and familiar, the kind of weight she would never tire of feeling. She loved holding Alex in her arms. And having her above her like this, hands cupping her cheeks, lips locked firmly against her own, there was nothing better than this.

When Alex finally pulled away, they were both panting heavily. She rested her forehead against Olivia’s, loving the other woman’s groan when she moved her lips to Olivia’s sensitive neck. She laved attention on the area beneath her ear, nipping gently and squeezing her knees tight when the hips between them squirmed. Alex held her close, licking and sucking until the firm grip on her hips was almost painful. She knew Olivia was doing it to stop her hands from exploring.

The woman had been incredibly respectful when it came to touching Alex, never venturing anywhere that might make Alex feel uncomfortable. She always let Alex lead, and when Alex stopped and pulled away, Olivia always respected the boundary, no matter how hard her body screamed for more. Lately though, it had been Olivia who had put a stop to things. Alex had finally reached a point where she was ready to take the next step, but every time she tried to push things further, Olivia pulled away with a “maybe we should slow things down a little”.

Alex knew she was worried about moving too quickly. She appreciated that Olivia was trying to protect her and at first, Alex had warmed at the knowledge. However, it was starting to get to her that Olivia was always putting a stop to things before they got too heated. Alex was ready to move things along, had been for some time, and as much as she appreciated Olivia’s concern, she couldn’t help feeling her impatience grow every time she was interrupted. She had played by Olivia’s rules to wait, but she didn’t want wait anymore. It was hard, especially with the way her stomach was clenching with arousal. Her panties were soaked and with every squeeze of Olivia’s hands, the rocking of Alex’s hips increased.  Her hands began wandering lower, approaching Olivia’s chest. She had every intention of grabbing Olivia’s breasts, but she was stopped by calloused fingers.

“Okay, babe,” Olivia panted against her lips. “Let’s slow down a bit.”

“You’ve been saying that a lot lately,” Alex just about growled. She was frustrated. “Am I going too fast for you?”

“No, but I want to take it slow. I don’t want there to be any regrets.”

Alex softened when she saw the worry in Olivia’s eyes.

“I don’t think I could ever regret touching you, Olivia,” she said sincerely. “I want to touch you.”

Olivia brought her fingertips to her lips and kissed each one. When she finished, she smiled warmly at Alex.

“You could though. Regret it, I mean. And that’s not something I think I could ever live with, so let’s take it slow so that doesn’t happen, okay?”

“Alright,” Alex finally acquiesced. She could wait a little longer if it would make Olivia feel better.

“Do you want to cuddle on the couch? Maybe Felix will decide to join us.”

“I’d like that,” Alex agreed.

“Good.”

Alex slowly got up, taking Olivia’s hand as they walked to the living room. She curled up into her side, snuggling in close when Olivia wrapped her arm around her waist.

“I can’t believe you did all of this for me.”

She was still in awe. It was one thing to go out and pick up a cat that Olivia knew she wanted. It would have been easy for her to just drop by the shelter one day and bring him home. But to go there every week for two full months, just so that the cat would feel comfortable with her… and then to wear something so ridiculous in public (even Alex wouldn’t have worn her fuzzy, pink pyjamas out of the apartment). The effort alone made Alex’s insides warm.

She looked up at Olivia, and when the woman looked back, she couldn’t help but fall in love with her all over again. Olivia had completely turned their relationship around. She had kept her promise to change things between them. Gone were the lonely nights, empty bed, tear stained pillows. Now, the apartment was filled with laughter, warmth, and happiness. Olivia was more attentive than ever, even two months later. With every day that went by, Olivia gave more rather than less, as Alex had once feared. She took initiative and planned evenings out. She started helping around the apartment, cleaning and putting things away, something she had never done before. It was now Olivia who habitually swept the floor and brought the laundry up from the laundry room downstairs. She not only carried all the groceries (which she had always done) but also put them away. Alex still did most of the cooking, but Olivia was in the kitchen with her, talking and helping when she was asked. Above all else, Olivia was _there_. She was in the apartment, accompanying Alex on walks, bringing her to work. She was present, involved and that meant more to Alex than anything else.  

“Hi, baby.”

Alex grinned her.

“Hi,” she responded.

“Have I told you today how beautiful you are?”

Alex nodded and smiled wider.

“You tell me that every day.”

She moved back into Olivia’s lap, sitting across her thighs and resting her back against the arm of the couch. She cupped Olivia’s cheek and looked into her eyes, smiling warmly at her when their gazes met.

“You make me so happy, Olivia Benson.”

“You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that.”

Alex leaned forward and kissed her softly, smiling against her lips when Olivia moaned. She may have accidentally-on-purpose pressed her breasts into the other woman’s, knowing how much Olivia loved when she did that.

“You’re being a tease,” Olivia murmured against her lips.

“You love it,” she responded, twisting to straddle Olivia’s thighs. She wrapped her arms around Olivia’s neck, opening her mouth and pressing her tongue to her lips. She was immediately granted access, her tongue quickly darting out to explore the confines of her girlfriend’s mouth. They kissed languidly until Alex tired of the gentle caresses, shifting forward to meet their tongues in a sensual battle. Alex moaned against Olivia’s lips, her hips rocking slightly. Her earlier arousal returned, and Alex clenched her thighs in response. She lost her fingers in Olivia’s hair, nails pressing into her scalp as their kiss turned heated.

Alex pulled back for a second, only long enough to gasp for a few breaths of air, before tilting Olivia’s head and kissing her much more roughly. She removed one hand from Olivia’s hair, moving it down to the other woman’s arm and pulling her hands away from the safety of Alex’s outer thighs. She redirected them to her ass, grunting in frustration when Olivia hesitated.

“Touch me,” she panted against her lips, rocking her hips into Olivia’s lap. “I need you to touch me.”

“Alex,” Olivia said, the uncertainty evident in her voice.

“Please? I just want your hands on me.”

Olivia looked at her, giving her a second to reflect.

“Are you sure you want this, Alex?”

“Yes. I want this. Please. I want you to touch me. The only reason I’ll agree to stop is if you don’t want to. Otherwise, I want your hands on me. Please.”

Olivia hesitated half a second longer before placing her hands back on Alex’s ass, her fingers only giving the lightest of squeezes.

“Yesss,” Alex hissed. “I’ve missed you grabbing my ass.”

Olivia swallowed hard. It was very _very_ hard to resist Alex when she was sitting in her lap, begging to be touched. Alex was a walking wet dream even on her worst day, and when she was like this? Olivia had to work very hard to remember that she couldn’t move too quickly.

“Have you missed it too, baby?” Alex purred.

God that voice. Olivia’s underwear instantly soaked. That was Alex’s bedroom voice, and god damn it had been too long since she had heard it. She was powerless to resist, so she nodded enthusiastically when Alex asked her. She bit back a moan when Alex tilted her hips forward, pressing herself into Olivia’s thighs.

“Maybe, if we’re lucky, I’ll end up topless by the end of the night.”

“Christ, Alex.”

“We’ve been making out on this couch every night for almost two weeks,” she purred. “And every night for almost two weeks I’ve been going to bed so wet that my thighs are sticky. We’ve been taking it slow, and I’m incredibly grateful that you didn’t push for more. But Olivia, I want more now.”

“How much more do you want, exactly?”

“I really want to take off my top and I really want to feel your mouth on me. I want to take off your top and do the same. I can wait for more until you’re sure, but tonight, I really want your hands on my breasts.”

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut, groaning internally. _Fuck_.

“You’re sure?” she finally asked.

“I’m sure,” Alex said confidently.

“This isn’t… this isn’t because of Felix, right?”

Alex frowned, making a face of disgust.

“What? Ew. Olivia.”

Olivia’s eyes shot open, horrified at the misunderstanding.

“No! That’s not what I meant. I meant, you’re not doing this because you’re happy about him being here? I’m afraid you’re doing this because you’re on a high and when you come down, you’ll wish we hadn’t.”

“I promise that I’m not, Olivia. I mean, yes, I’m happy. But I want you, independent of everything that happened today. I promise, I just want you. I have for a long time.”

“Okay,” Olivia finally relented.

Alex gave a wicked grin, leaning forward and reconnecting their mouths. She grabbed Olivia’s hands, guiding them under her shirt and up to her bra. She abandoned them once Olivia’s fingers made contact, pushing her chest forward as a hint. She pressed harder into their kiss when she felt hesitant fingers slowly start to explore, moaning when an errant thumb brushed against her erect nipple. The hand paused for second before cupping more firmly, the same thumb retracing the path it had just taken. Alex nodded into the kiss and plunged her tongue into Olivia’s mouth, squeezing her thighs together as her nipple was stroked and then pinched. The same attention was paid to her other breast, Alex’s head beginning to spin as Olivia worked her body.

Alex desperately wanted to lose her top, but the fingers working her chest felt so damn good that she didn’t want to pull them away, not even to remove the barrier separating their skin. But as the thought of feeling Olivia’s hands directly on her nipples continued to invade her mind, Alex’s desire not to pull away faded. She wanted skin-to-skin contact, and she would only get it if she broke their kiss.

When Alex finally pulled away, she was met with Olivia’s disappointed pout. She laughed, kissing it away.

“You’re going to like the reason why I stopped kissing you.”

She looked directly in Olivia’s eyes and reached down, pulling her top over her head. Their gazes locked once again, and Alex reached back, unhooking her bra and slowly sliding the straps down her arms. She slipped it off, holding it at arm’s length before dropping it unceremoniously onto the floor. Olivia’s eyes finally trailed down her body and she swallowed visibly when she finally laid eyes on the breasts she hadn’t seen in months.

“Fuck.”

It was the only thing she could say as her eyes drank in the glorious sight of Alex’s bare chest. Her hands came up of their own volition, cupping the glorious breasts before her eyes. She groaned when she felt their soft weight in her hand, her throat going dry as she gently massaged the soft globes.

Alex reached out and cupped the back of Olivia’s head, guiding her forward. She desperately wanted to feel her hot mouth on her nipples, so she brought Olivia directly to where she wanted her. Alex’s hips jerked the second contact was made, her head falling back as Olivia worked her mouth deliciously around her sensitive flesh.

Alex had incredibly sensitive breasts, and she could easily orgasm from having them manipulated the right way. In the past, Olivia had exploited her knowledge of Alex’s body often, causing the blonde to orgasm before little more than Alex’s top had been removed. Olivia knew her lover’s body inside out, and she knew exactly how to turn her on, how to make her climb higher, how to keep her on edge, and how to throw her into an earth shattering climax. Olivia seemed interested in simply turning Alex on, because she was using none of her knowledge to provide Alex with any kind of relief.

“Olivia, please.”

She was met with a hum, the woman in question continuing to lick, suck, and nip at Alex’s oversensitive breasts. She rocked her hips into Olivia’s thighs, wishing for some kind of pressure. Olivia’s lips felt so good, but she needed more. She could feel the pleasure radiate to her clit every single time Olivia swiped her tongue over her nipple or sucked it into her mouth, almost as though there was a live wire connecting her clitoris to the tips of her nipples. Olivia was well aware of this fact, and she exploited that knowledge as she relentlessly manipulated the hardened tips with her tongue and fingers.

Alex held the back of Olivia’s head, shifting until she found a position that brought exquisite pressure to the throbbing between her legs. She began rocking, gasping and moaning as Olivia worked her breasts. She could feel her wetness spread to her clitoris, the firm bud sliding against her slick panties.  

“Olivia,” Alex moaned in disappointment when the attention to her breasts stopped, Olivia instead moving up to capture her lips again. Alex continued rocking her hips, but with her breasts now ignored, the pleasure between her legs lessened.

“I want you to touch me again.”

Olivia kissed her way along her jaw to her throat, then up to her ear.

“I would love to, but this isn’t what I wanted for us tonight.”

“Yeah, well, I’m soaked, I’m horny, and I want you. Doesn’t that count for something?”

Olivia chuckled in her ear. She really did want to touch Alex. God, did she ever want to. But they had moved quite far this evening, and while they had been touching a lot more lately, they had not yet gotten so far as to orgasm.  

“Hmm?” Alex pressed.

“It does,” Olivia agreed. “But I’m enjoying taking it slow with you. I don’t want to rush this.”

“If I have to go to sleep this horny again, Olivia Benson…”

Olivia laughed against her throat, laying a soothing kiss on the soft skin there.

“Soon, baby. I just want to take it slow, okay?”

Alex sighed, sliding off of her lap and laying on back against the couch. She took a few minutes to calm down, feeling Olivia’s eyes on her bare chest the entire time.

“I could be a lot more naked for you if only you’d let me.”

Olivia smiled, stroking her knee. She cared too much about Alex to rush back into a physical relationship. And, much as Alex was chagrined to admit it, Olivia had a point. It was kind of nice to take things slow, even if she felt incredibly frustrated by the intense need to orgasm. They were slowly rediscovering each other, in a manner similar to the way they did when they were first dating.  

Alex eventually sighed and rolled off the couch, grabbing her shirt off of the floor. She didn’t bother with the bra, throwing her top on before moving back to the couch. Olivia reached out and pulled her into her arms, Alex curling up into her side.

“I love you, even though you make me stop when I’m on my way to a very satisfying orgasm.”

“I love you too,” Olivia said, kissing her temple. “Don’t worry. I’m making myself wait too.”

Alex pulled back slightly.

“You’re not doing that thing where you build me up for days before finally letting me come, are you? I swear to God, Olivia, if you’re torturing me on purpose-”

“I promise it’s not that, though I do look forward to doing that in the future.”

Alex groaned into her shoulder. One of Olivia’s favourite games was to keep her on the edge of orgasm for days, sometimes even weeks, before finally fucking her raw. Alex both loved and hated that game. It was pure torture while she was made to wait, but then when Olivia finally decided to give in, she was merciless in her pursuit to make Alex come. She would rip one orgasm from her body for every day she made Alex wait, and then she would make her come again for good measure. If she wasn’t satisfied that Alex was half dead with pleasure, she would start all over again, licking and sucking on Alex’s clit until Alex begged her to stop. Because Olivia didn’t give Alex orgasms on those nights, she _demanded_ them. And after one of those nights, Alex often had trouble walking the next day, but God damn if it wasn’t worth it.

Alex clenched her thighs, swallowing the moan in her throat. She seriously needed to stop thinking of that now. Luckily, she was saved from her thoughts when she heard a small ringing noise coming from the hallway. Seconds later, a small, furry body jumped up on the couch.

“Felix,” Alex greeted warmly.

The cat meowed, walking closer and jumping into her lap. She smiled, petting him as the cat settled on her legs.

“I have a cat,” Alex finally said, the awe still evident in her voice.

“You do,” Olivia confirmed. “He’s a very handsome cat.”

Alex grinned at Olivia, kissing her firmly on the lips in response.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to everyone for reading, for giving kudos, and for leaving such supportive comments. I hope you have enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it !

Alex watched Olivia from the corner of the gym, biting her lower lip as she tried to distract herself from her burning need to jump her girlfriend. She used to watch Olivia work out when they first started dating, the sight of the woman in shorts and a ribbed tank top, dripping with sweat, made Alex’s pulse race to an almost embarrassing speed. Alex was pleased to note that that really hadn’t changed, only now she knew exactly what that body looked like naked and it was even more torturous to watch Olivia move. Alex decided to join her this morning, an impulse driven by the desire to watch the woman exercise, just as she used to. Now, as she stood back and watched, she _almost_ regretted coming. The wetness gathered in her panties made it uncomfortable to shift positions, but it was the only way to get any kind of relief as her arousal grew. She was transfixed, unable to break her gaze as Olivia delivered blow after blow to the punching bag. Sweat dripped down Olivia’s forehead just as it had last night, but that had been for a very different, much more pleasurable reason.

Last night had marked three months since the vital turning point in their relationship. They had celebrated by making out like horny teenagers on the couch, Olivia’s hands wandering all over Alex’s torso. They had kissed, touched, grinded, working each other’s bodies without actually going under each other’s clothing. They had then moved to their bedroom, where they had continued kissing but their touches had not progressed to anything below the belt.

Alex had woken up this morning still horny, and she was eager to torture herself some more by watching Olivia work out in the gym. She had played it off by stating she wanted to get fit as well, and she had actually worked out for a few minutes on the elliptical before setting her sights on the real reason she had come to this horrible place (Alex hated exercising- thank God for good genes). She had planned on covertly watching from her end of the gym as she exercised, but the sight of her girlfriend had Alex stopping in her tracks. She had recovered and turned away, intent on at least _trying_ to work out a little. She resumed pumping her legs on the elliptical, until she once again caught herself staring at Olivia. She tried for a third time before she finally gave up, choosing instead finding a corner at the back to simply watch Olivia move.

Watching her girlfriend as she went about her routine Alex in a trance. She stared as Olivia’s gloved fists made contact with the black punching bag, her muscles contracting as she pulled her elbow back. Alex’s pulse increased as she watched the lithe form flow, fists repeatedly making contact. Sweat dripped down Olivia’s forehead, and Alex could see the muscles in her back dance as she moved. She had been watching Olivia through her push ups, sit ups, and chin ups. She had been watching her since they first walked in, and it was getting to be too much. She wanted her, and watching work her body made Alex’s need grow to the point where she couldn’t concentrate on anything but her burning need to touch her girlfriend.

Alex stayed fixated, unblinking, until Olivia stopped. Panting, she tore off her boxing glove with the help of her teeth and wiped the sweat off her brow with her forearm. When the other came off and Olivia started to stretch, Alex pushed away from the wall she was leaning against and bee-lined for her girlfriend. She seized her wrist and dragged her to the change room, earning a startled “Alex?” as she did so.

“What are you-”

Olivia didn’t have the chance to finish her question before Alex’s lips were on hers, kissing her fiercely as Alex shoved her back against the change room stall. The metal was uncomfortably cold against Olivia’s sweaty skin, but the roaming, desperate hands distracted her enough that she barely noticed. They pulled her close, snaked around her body, travelled over her skin, touching her everywhere at once. She kissed Alex back after her initial confusion, thoroughly enjoying the aggressive behaviour. Olivia gasped loudly when Alex’s fingers plunged into her shorts, cupping her firmly through her underwear. This was definitely the boldest Alex had ever been.

“You are so fucking sexy when you work out,” Alex panted, fingers pressing against Olivia’s now throbbing centre.

“I’m sweaty,” Olivia moaned, throwing her head back as Alex’s fingers massaged between her legs. She could not form a coherent thought, her body having immediately responded to Alex’s touch. “Not very sexy.”

“I disagree. You look hot.”

Alex’s mouth latched onto Olivia’s neck, her tongue working against the pulse beating beneath salty, damp skin. She received another moan in response, her fingers finally working their way under Olivia’s underwear and between her hot, slick folds.

“Fuck, Alex.”

“You’re so wet.”

Olivia gasped, her hips bucking as gentle fingertips ghosted over her clit. The door rattled from the movement, and Olivia was suddenly very aware of where they were. She grabbed Alex’s wrist, stopping her movements.

“We can’t do this here.”

Alex paused as well, glaring at her.

“I want to fuck you, Olivia. We’ve taken things slow enough. I can’t wait anymore. I’m sure. I want you.”

Alex punctuated her statement with a flex of her fingers, earning herself a moan from a desperately horny Olivia who was desperately biting her lip in order to keep from crying out.

“God, you need to stop. We can’t do this in the bathroom of the gym. We are not doing this for the first time in public. I want you in a bed, Alex. In our bed.”

“You promise?” Alex asked, a hint of threat in her voice. She had stilled her fingers long enough to ask the question, flexing them one last time when Olivia nodded eagerly. When Olivia verbally gave her promise, Alex reluctantly removed her fingers, immediately sucking them in her mouth and groaning at the flavour.

“You taste even better than I remember.”

Olivia closed her eyes and took a deep breath in an attempt to calm her arousal. It was not an easy feat when someone as hot as Alexandra Cabot stood before you half dressed, licking the fingers that had just been between your legs.

“We need to go home,” she finally panted. “And I need a shower. A quick one, I promise.”

Alex glared.

“I am heading to our apartment. I’m going to strip naked and I’ll be waiting for you. If that’s not motivation enough for you to take the world’s fastest shower-”

“It is,” Olivia said eagerly. After last night, there was definitely no more waiting. They had been taking things slow for long enough, and they were both desperate for more. Waiting had been delicious torture, but they both agreed it was time to finally take that next step.

“Good. I’ll see you soon, detective.”

Olivia had barely rinsed the soap from her hair before she jumped out of the shower. She dressed in the sweatpants and sweatshirt she had brought, kicking herself in the ass for not bringing something nicer. To be fair, she hadn’t expected Alex to jump her the way that she had though.

Olivia grinned like a fool on her way home from the gym, leg bouncing as she waited for the elevator once she reached their building. She hopped in excitement when the elevator dinged, getting on and stabbing for the fifth floor. She waited impatiently as the elevator made its way up, practically jumping out when it arrived at her floor. She quickly opened the door to her apartment and eagerly made her way inside.

“Alex?”

Olivia looked into the kitchen and saw nothing, so she closed the door and walked towards the bedroom. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw Alex laying on their bed in a matching wine and black coloured bra and thong set. She was propped up, leaning back on her elbows. Her breasts jutted out proudly, and Olivia licked her lips as she ripped off her sweatshirt.

“Hello, detective,” Alex said, voice dripping with sex.

“You look way too fucking good,” Olivia groaned.

She then threw off her pants, slowly crawling up Alex’s body. Alex’s eyes raked down Olivia’s body, taking in the black sports bra and navy blue hip huggers she was wearing. She licked her lips as Olivia’s abdominal muscles tightened from her movements, her stomach dropping at the way her girlfriend’s body slid against her own.

“You are so sexy, Olivia Benson,” she said, looking up into her eyes.

Olivia smiled at her, guiding Alex until she was lying flat on her back. She hovered above her. She simply admired her, taking in the sight of a nearly naked Alex sprawled beneath her.

“I want to touch you, but I want to take my time,” Olivia said, propping herself on one arm and using her free hand to stroke Alex’s hair. “It’s been too long since I’ve made love to you. I want to do it properly.”

Alex smiled up at her, pulling her down and kissing her softly.

“I’d really like that,” she said, mumbling against her lips.

Olivia pulled away, looking down and drinking in the radiant beauty beneath her. She looked her up and down several times before meeting Alex’s eyes.

“Are you sure, Alex? Really sure?”

“I am, Olivia.”

Alex saw the slight concern on her girlfriend’s face, so she took the hand that was currently cupping her cheek and guided it south.

“Alex-”

Olivia’s breath caught in her throat the second her fingers made contact with Alex’s dripping centre. She gasped when Alex pushed her fingers further down, sliding them inside of her body. Olivia’s fingers slid in with ease. Alex was drenched.

“Have I my made my case, detective?”

Olivia groaned against her neck, her fingers moving of their own accord as they slid further inside. She latched onto Alex’s lips, kissing her fiercely as her fingers slowly, gently explored. Alex was tighter than she remembered, softer, but still just as warm and inviting. She pulled out slightly before pushing back in, both women moaning when she filled Alex to the hilt.

“God I want more. You feel so good inside of me.”

Olivia nipped at her throat, using her thumb to stroke her clit. Alex spread her legs wider apart, her hips bucking up as Olivia pressed inside more firmly. She was not going to last long. It had been way too long since the last time Olivia touched her and she was slightly embarrassed to admit she was nearly there. Unfortunately, Olivia must have sensed it because she suddenly removed her fingers.

“Liv, you did not just stop.”

“I want to touch you,” Olivia explained, moving down her body.

“You _were_ touching me until you stopped!”

Olivia chuckled but didn’t respond, removing Alex’s panties and spreading her legs instead. She kneeled between her thighs, simply admiring her glistening folds. She leaned down and gave a small kiss on the inside of each knee before moving forward and licking one long, slow stripe along each inner thigh. Alex groaned and grabbed Olivia’s head, trying to direct it where she was now aching for attention.

“Soon, baby,” Olivia promised, mouthing Alex’s inner thigh.

“Now,” Alex growled.

Olivia chuckled again, shrugging before giving one long, hard lick between Alex’s thighs. Alex yelped in surprise, her hips jerking off the bed and up into Olivia’s mouth. Olivia slowly guided her hips back down, pulling away and humming in approval.

“You taste even better than I remember.”

“Then don’t stop,” Alex whined.

Olivia smiled. She kissed each hip bone in response before moving up Alex’s torso.

“I’ll be back, I promise. For now, I want to explore you.”

Alex had every intention of voicing her disapproval until Olivia pulled on the left cup of her bra and enveloped her nipple with her mouth. All complaint died on her lips as she arched her back, her hand flying up to keep Olivia in place. She felt a hand sneak around her back, so she arched higher and sighed in relief when Olivia removed her bra.

“Fuck, Olivia. I have missed you touching me.”

“I’ve missed touching you more,” Olivia mumbled into her breast, opening her mouth to suck in a hard nipple.

Olivia placed her leg between Alex’s thighs, pressing against her firmly. Alex moaned loudly, her hips instantly bucking against hard muscle. Olivia moved her mouth to the other breast, her fingers replacing where her mouth had just been. She let out a moan when Alex spread her legs wider and bucked against her, feeling wet heat smear against her skin. She slowly massaged her thigh between Alex’s legs, pressing against her as the woman met her thrust for thrust.

Alex was going crazy. Her clit was throbbing with need and Olivia’s mouth was everywhere but exactly where she wanted it. She kissed and sucked on her breasts, her neck, her collarbone, on her inner elbows, her knees. Alex did her best to be patient; she genuinely enjoyed feeling Olivia’s lips on her body. But as her need grew, her patience wore thin. Olivia removed her thigh as she moved around exploring Alex’s body, so Alex was left with nothing to relieve the pulsating need between her legs. It only got worse once Olivia’s attention moved between her thighs, but her tongue refused to make contact with her now pulsating clit. Alex was aching with need, and when Olivia’s mouth once again skirted her swollen clit, she’d had enough.

“Olivia Benson if you do not press that tongue against my clitoris I swear to God that this is the last time we are ever going-”

She nearly yelped when her clit was suddenly roughly sucked into Olivia’s mouth. It quickly turned into a groan as Olivia’s tongue licked and stroked her. Alex’s hips jerked up, a moan escaping her lips when she was suddenly, deliciously filled.

“You’re bossy when you’re horny,” Olivia teased, pulling away for only a second before moving her mouth back between Alex’s thighs.

“Fuck, Olivia. You feel so good.”

She couldn’t concentrate on anything but Olivia’s warm tongue. Alex’s hips rocked against her mouth over and over, thighs clenching as Olivia increased the speed of her tongue and fingers. Alex could feel her muscles tightening, her stomach bearing down as she neared her first orgasm. Her head began to trash against the pillow. She spread herself wider, hips jerking almost violently as Olivia thrust in harder, faster. Alex licked her lips and moaned, shifting her knees even further apart as she prepared for the wave of pleasure she knew was coming.

“Yes, Olivia. Yes. More.”

She moaned when Olivia slowly inserted another finger, enjoying the delicious burn as she was stretched even more. When the fingers curled forward, pressing against her front wall, Alex cried out, back arching and hips rocking quickly. She was panting, moaning, eyes squeezed shut as she chased her pleasure. Her thighs began to shake, and her stomach muscles bore down as the orgasm built behind her clit. She was seconds away. Olivia clamped down on her g-spot, fingers pressing and massaging as she sucked firmly at the base of her clit.

“Olivia. Olivia. I’m going to-”

She cried out once, back bowed as electric pleasure shot through her body from head to toe. She squeezed her eyes shut tighter, hands fiercely gripping the sheets as she ground her hips against Olivia’s mouth.

Olivia was relentless, licking, stroking, fucking Alex as the woman whimpered in pleasure.  When Alex jerked away, the pleasure almost too much, strong fingers held her tightly in place.

“I’m not done with you,” Olivia grunted, latching her mouth back onto Alex’s clit.

Alex moaned loudly, hips bucking against Olivia’s talented tongue. She quickly built to a second orgasm, and when she was thrown off once again, she screamed.

It took several minutes for Alex’s breathing to finally even out. She whimpered when Olivia removed her fingers, now suddenly sore from having been stretched for the first time in so long.

“I’m sorry, baby,” Olivia whispered, kissing her thigh in apology.

She slowly crawled her way up Alex’s body, kissing her way up to her throat and then to her lips. They shared a long, intimate kiss, Alex moaning as she tasted herself on Olivia’s tongue.

“You have no idea how much I have missed doing that,” Olivia said when they finally pulled apart. “I want to do it again. Are you ready?”

Alex chuckled.

“Not quite. I believe it’s someone else’s turn.”

“Oh? Who else are we inviting?”

Alex rolled her eyes and pinched Olivia’s side, pushing the woman onto her back. Her hand drifted between her thighs almost immediately. She was too impatient to wait. Alex quickly moved her mouth to Olivia’s breasts as her fingers spread her  folds, moaning into her chest when she felt just how soaked she was. Olivia bucked into Alex’s hand, the woman’s eagerness skyrocketing her arousal. It was an incredible turn on knowing Alex wanted her.

“God, Alex,” Olivia groaned, rolling her hips when she felt the smaller woman travel down her body. She knew what was coming, and she couldn’t wait.

Alex withdrew her fingers, spreading her girlfriend’s thighs and covering her sex with her mouth. Her tongue laved attention on every corner of her cunt, exploring the warm folds. Olivia let out a long moan, hips rocking gently as Alex slowly licked her. Alex then pulled away for a second, simply staring at the way Olivia was spread out for her.

“You are so sexy, detective.”

Olivia’s reply died on her lips as she felt Alex once again latch onto her clit, sucking it into her mouth. She cried out in surprise, gripping the sheets to keep from clawing at Alex’s head. Her hips bucked in tandem with Alex’s mouth, her movements growing more frantic as two fingers slowly filled her.

“Yes, Alex. Fuck.”

Alex opened her mouth, letting the flattest part of her tongue stroke along Olivia’s clit. She moved against her girlfriend’s hips, trying hard not to smile when she heard the groans of pleasure above her.

Olivia was normally so calm and collected. She was the level headed one in their relationship and it took a lot to work her up emotionally. Olivia never yelled; her voice never wavered, even when she was angry. But when she was turned on? It was a whole other ball game. Olivia moaned, whimpered, yelled, screamed, gasped. She made noises Alex had never before heard from her, and she loved pulling as many of them as she could, so she worked her lover slowly, using all of the tricks she had picked up over the years to make her lover twist, jerk, and cry out.

“Alex, please. You need to go faster.”

“I thought you wanted to take things slow?”

Olivia wasn’t going to laugh, but seeing her lover between her legs, smirk on her lips, while her mouth glistened with her wetness, it was all too much. So she did, she laughed.

“You’re such a brat.”

Alex look a long swipe at her clit.

“That’s why you fell in love with me.”

“Right now, I’m almost regretting my decision,” Olivia moaned, mouth falling open as Alex tongued her entrance. Her hips twitched, breaths coming out in quick pants as Alex swiped her tongue over her clitoris over and over again. “Please.”

Alex smirked. She loved having Olivia lose it like this. She loved that her powerful, independent detective came undone in her arms. Or under her tongue, rather. Around everyone else, she was calm, collected, controlled. With Alex, she was aloof, relaxed, and occasionally: needy. This version of Olivia, though, the one who was thrashing, horny, desperate to come was her favourite.

Alex took a few more languid licks before finally giving in.

She spread Olivia’s thighs with the palm of her hands, opening her up to her tongue and lips. She nibbled a few times before sucking the hardened nub into her mouth, flicking it with the tip of her tongue.

“Alex. Oh God.”

She pulled her right hand away from Olivia’s thigh, her index finger stroking up and down her entrance before finally slipping inside. She filled her quickly, Olivia hissing in satisfaction when her finger pushed inside. Alex pulled out and then added a second finger, curling them forward and clamping down on Olivia’s front wall.

“Fuck! Harder, baby. Please.”

Alex complied, adding a roughness to her movements as she fucked her girlfriend. Olivia started shaking, twisting above her, and crying out with each thrust. Alex could feel the slickness increase, her fingers completely coated with Olivia’s arousal. Alex loved having sex with her. The knowledge that no one else got to see the stoic detective come undone like this fuelled her desire to make her shatter at the seams. She slammed her fingers inside of Olivia, knowing the woman enjoyed it when she got rough with her.

“Fuck. Fuck. Yes. More.”

Alex obliged, adding a third finger. She felt Olivia’s walls squeeze in response. Olivia arched her back, rolling her hips into Alex’s mouth. Alex moaned against her clit, sucking harder, causing Olivia’s eyes to roll in the back of her head. Her legs quaked, stomach bearing down as the orgasm hit her like a freight train. She couldn’t even warn Alex, a cry ripping from her throat as every muscle seized in unbelievable pleasure. It didn’t matter though. Alex could read Olivia like a book and when she felt the woman fall over the edge, she increased the speed of her movements. Alex knew if she continued stroking her clit, her g-spot, Olivia’s orgasm wouldn’t end. So she did. She licked, stroked, pulled, sucked, until the woman who had been vibrating and jerking in her arms finally collapsed in exhaustion.

Alex rested her head on Olivia’s sweaty thigh, waiting for the okay to remove her fingers. She enjoyed the spasms of her lover’s walls clutching at her invading digits as her body slowly calmed. They both enjoyed this. Olivia liked feeling the fullness of Alex’s fingers resting inside of her, and Alex loved feeling her warmth and softness. She was never eager to leave, so when Olivia had asked her once at the beginning of their relationship to stay inside after her orgasms, Alex had happily agreed.

“Come here, baby.”

Alex reluctantly slid her fingers out, discreetly wiping them on the sheet by Olivia’s hip as she crawled up her body. She hovered above her, smiling.

“Hi.”

“Hey,” Olivia responded, moving Alex’s hair out of her face. “You are so beautiful, Alex.”

She pulled her down for a languid kiss, smiling against her when Alex nipped at her lower lip. The blonde slipped down into her arms, resting her head on her shoulder and burying her face in Olivia’s neck.

“I’ve missed having sex with you,” Olivia confessed.

“Are we done taking it slow?” Alex teased, earning herself a deep chuckle.

“Yes, baby. I think we’re done taking it slow,” she yawned. “Let’s take a quick power nap and then we can go for round two.”

“Round two?”

“Mhmm. I want you riding my mouth next.”

Alex groaned, her clit twitching in response. She kissed Olivia’s throat, nodding in agreement. Olivia held her close, stroking her fingertips along Alex’s back.

“I never imagined my life would be this fulfilling, Alex. I always thought… I never thought I could have this.”

“What did you think you would have?”

Olivia paused her movements for a second, mulling over her answer before responding.

“I thought I would have my work. I figured I’d probably have a friends with benefits things with someone. We’d call each other up every few months when we needed to scratch an itch. I’d be satisfied, or at least that’s what I’d tell myself every time I had a minute to contemplate my life. Instead, I got a life where I’m actually _happy_. I work at my dream job, I have friends who support me, and best of all, I have a beautiful woman who loves me. You are by far the best thing in my life, and I am never letting you go.”

Olivia wrapped her arms tighter around Alex’s back, kissing her temple repeatedly. She waited until the woman was giggling to flip them over, pressing Alex into the mattress and kissing her until she was moaning in her mouth.  

“I love you, Alexandra Cabot, and that is never going to change.”

Alex reached up and cupped Olivia’s cheek, looking deep into her eyes.

“I am going to marry you one day, Olivia Benson, and then I am going to carry your children. We are going to raise them together, and when they are all grown up, we are going to retire to that farmhouse we talked about so many years ago. We are going to get old, fat, and we are gonna have a house full of grandkids. But most of all, we are going to be happy.”

Olivia leaned down and crushed their lips together. That sounded like a very good life indeed.

 


End file.
